Preparing for Marriage by Growing in Godly Character

Grow in Godly Character

Every Christian, single or married, is called to live a godly life (1 Tim. 4:7).  So, my first piece of counsel to someone living in the single season is to make it their aim to glorify God by looking more and more like Jesus.  This is not something we can do by our own power. We are not saved by works, and we will not be conformed to the image of Christ by simply working harder (Gal. 3:3). This doesn’t mean we just “let go and let God” do the work of growth for us. Our sanctification does involve us working with God’s empowering grace.[1]

Paul brings these two ideas into clear view when he says,

“…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Phil. 2:12b-13).

Do you see both truths there? He commands us to “work out [our] salvation.” Notice he doesn’t say “work for your salvation.” He basically says, “God saves you from the power of sin, now work out the implications of this freedom in your life.” You must work to put off sin and put on righteousness. But, this “working” is not a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” self-empowered change. Paul says the reason you work out your salvation is because “it is God who works in you.” He is working in us to incline our will to do the things which please Him. 

With that groundwork laid, it is time to think of specific areas where you may need to grow. We don’t fall into godliness. We must pursue it. And we don’t change in generalities; we change in specifics. What I mean is that we don’t change by saying, “I need to grow in Christ-likeness.” We change when we ask, “In what specific areas do I need to look more like Christ?” Then, we look to the Bible to see the character that is becoming of one who has new life in Christ.

To help you think specifically and biblically about areas of character to grow in, I suggest you start by holding up Titus 1:7-9 as a mirror to your life. Here Paul lays out the qualifications for elder. You may think, “But I’m not asking to be an elder, just a godly man.” Or you may be thinking, “I am a woman, how does this apply to me?” It applies because every Christian is called to live a life characterized by these virtues and absent of these vices.[2]

Let’s examine these qualifications for a moment. The main charge is to be above reproach. This is to live with a clear conscience before God and man. Paul fleshes this out with a list of five vices to put off and six virtues to put on so that you will be godly. Below, I have a chart showing the vices (and the opposite characteristic to put on) as well as a chart describing the virtues. I encourage you to look for specific areas where you can focus on growing. Remember, change won’t happen in the general. So get specific as to where you need to grow and what growth will look like.

Five Vices to Replace

Vice	Opposite	Application
Arrogance/Self-will- Pushy and seeking one's own will instead of God's and instead of looking out for the interests of others. It is also a pride that won’t receive criticism well.	A humble servant who looks out for the interest of others instead of using power for personal gain (Matt. 20:25-28). A proper view of self (a sinner) which enables you to receive criticism.	Do you often push for your own way? How are you looking out for the interests of others? How do you handle criticism?  Do you examine it humbly to see if it is true or does it go “in one ear and out the other?”
Quick-Tempered- Having a “short fuse,” or being easily angered.	Humility, gentleness, patience, love (Eph. 4:1-2)	Are you easily provoked to anger by people and situations? If you ask someone to do something and they don’t do it the way you want or they fail, how do you respond? With patience or in anger?
Drunkard- A person whose companion is wine (or any other substance that causes a person to not be clear-headed/sober-minded).	Being self-controlled and filled with the Spirit (Eph. 4:18).	Are you free not to drink? Do you drink to the point of not being clear-headed? Do you see alcohol as a means of escaping life’s problems?
Violent- Abusiveness, meanness, or fighting to get one’s own way or to suppress opposition. Riding rough-shod over others or bullying them with physical violence or with your words.	Gentleness (1 Tim 3:3) and being a peacemaker (Rom. 12:18).	Do you like brawling to get your way (physically or striking with your words)? Are you argumentative or quick to attack those who get in your way or express a different opinion? Or, do you seek peace in situations?
Greedy for Gain- Seeking financial or material gain without integrity.  Loving money and material things. Unsatisfied with what you have.	Contentment (1 Tim. 6:6), seeking God’s Kingdom and His righteousness above all (Matt. 6). Being a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7).	Are you content financially and materially? Or do you constantly seek happiness in having newer and nicer things (phones, clothes, etc.)?

Six Virtues to Put on

Virtue	Application
Hospitable- One who gives practical help to new comers.	Are you welcoming new people at church instead of just talking to your group of friends? Do you try to meet the needs of other Christians that you do not know that well? Or are you quick to make excuses and slow to inconvenience yourself for others?
Loving what is good- Loves what is good as opposed to sinful, worthless, and not God-glorifying.	Our close friendships should be with those who love good things. The ultimate “good” is Christ. So you should love those who love Christ. Do the TV shows you watch make light of that which is evil according to God?  The problem is not that you would go do the things you see, but that you are mentally delighting in what is not good.
Sensible- Being wise and thoughtful. Not being driven by emotion, but cool-headed.	Are you controlled in your thinking, not given to a lack of control and being “feelings” driven?
Upright- Living righteously and justly.	Do you seek to practice righteousness in your everyday life? Do you want to be just in your dealings with others?
Holy/Devout- Living a life that is pleasing to God.	Do you regularly confess and repent of your sin before the Lord (even if others don’t know about it)? Do you seek to find out what pleases the Lord from His Word? Do you seek to do what is pleasing to the Lord?
Disciplined/ Self-controlled- Having one’s desires in check and under control.	Are you ruled by your desires for money, sleep (laziness), food (overeating), and/or material things? Do you lack control with your use of time (wasting much time on TV or the Internet) or money? Or do you rule over your desires so that you might be focused on pursuing the one prize- namely, Jesus (1 Cor. 9:24-27)?

Have you found a few areas to grow in? Please, do not move on without taking some time for honest, humble self-evaluation.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Justification, on the other hand, is a work which we do not cooperate in. It is wholly of God. See Ephesians 1:11 and Romans 8:29-30.

[2] All of them, with the exception of “able to teach,” are found either directly or indirectly in other passages as characteristics for all Christians to exhibit.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.