In the last few posts, I began my response to the
question, “How do you prepare for marriage?” I outlined my response with these
five points:
1. Grow in godly character,2. Learn biblical masculinity and femininity,3. Join and serve a healthy local church,4. Prepare to leave mother and father,
5. Seek a spouse in ways that demonstrate faith in God and love towards others.
The first three items above apply to all Christians.
So, the initial answer to how to prepare for marriage is to live as a godly,
Christian man or woman in the context of a healthy church.
Now we turn to the last two points which deal with
the more practical issues of getting ready for marriage. Remember, these are
not intended to be a simple “five steps to marriage” formula. God is sovereign
in the distribution of his gifts including marriage and singleness. So, these
are not steps, but ways in which we honor God as we trust and wait.
Prepare
to Leave Mother and Father
The fourth part of preparing for marriage is getting
in a position to leave your parents and unite to a spouse. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast
to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This idea of leaving father and
mother to form a new family unit is part of what it means to be married. So, a
young man or woman must put himself or herself in a position to do this.
This is the biblical principle, but
what does it look like? In American culture, I believe this means a couple will
be able to financially support themselves. You may not have enough money to buy
a nice house, a car, etc. However, you should have enough income to pay for
housing, transportation (even if it is the bus), and food (Ramen noodles,
anyone?). Continued dependence on parents for
financial support should be phasing out as you move toward marriage.
Leaving mother and father is more than just an issue
of finances. I also believe this means learning to live independently in terms
of decision making and emotional support. This is not the same thing as being a
“know-it-all” or the foolishness of not heeding wise counsel. And it is not
something that happens apart from growing in financial independence.[1]
Learn how to listen to counsel and then make responsible, adult decisions. To
prepare for marriage, you need to develop the ability to apply biblical
principles to life decisions.
As a single person it is often wise to involve your
parents in the major decisions you make.[2]
This is especially true if they are Christians. They can help you see how God’s
Word applies. If you are a woman, they can help you evaluate a potential spouse
and provide protection from unsuitable men.[3]
So, benefit from your parents, but move forward
from the parent/child relationship which calls you to “obey” them and into a
parent/adult relationship which calls you to “honor” them. A child must do
both. An adult son or daughter (who is really living like an adult) is simply called
to honor his or her mother and father. This transition may be more of a process
that unfolds over time rather than a one-time event, but it must happen if you
are moving towards marriage.
This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles.
[1]
Some younger adults want “to have their cake and eat it too.” They want to be
treated like an adult when it comes to the freedom to make their own choices,
but they want mom and dad to finance their lifestyle.
[2]
I say “often” because I realize there may be significant barriers and issues in
your relationship with your parents. If this is the case, ask an older godly
man or woman in your church to help you work through those issues.
[3]
If your parents are not in a position to do this (because of physical or
emotional distance) you should rely more heavily on church leadership to help
you in this process.
Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.
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