In the last post I argued that "missionary dating" is unbiblical and must be avoided. Now I turn to a method that I would be VERY cautious of.
A
Method to be Cautious of: Online Dating
In God’s providence, you and I live in a time of
amazing technological advancements. Through the internet, we have the ability
to communicate with people whom we might otherwise have not met. This has given
rise to online dating sites.
I do not think the Bible prohibits online dating by
direct command or by indirect principles. But I do think there are some
biblical principles which we must take into account. Below are six cautions to take into consideration.
The first is the issue of motivation. In one sense
this is not unique to online dating. As Christians, we realize that God cares
about our motives, and, so, we must always seek to have God-honoring motives.
When it comes to online dating, it would be good to consider why you are doing this.
Is it out of desperation? Is it motivated by doubting that God is able (or
willing) to bring you a spouse? Is it an attempt to force a relationship to
happen on your time table? It might
be or it might not. Perhaps you are content with where the Lord has you and see
this as a means by which you are responsibly pursuing marriage.
The second issue to be cautious about regarding this
form of finding a date is the lack of “natural” interactions. When you meet
someone at church, work, or school, you typically have the opportunity to
naturally get to know him or her over time. You can observe their character and
interact with them as friends before initiating a dating relationship. Online
dating, however, generally means that the first time you communicate is with
the explicit intention of finding a date/mate. You may not have opportunities
to simply observe them in group settings and to allow the relationship to
naturally develop.
The third issue is a potential lack of
accountability. Online dating allows you to have interactions with a member of
the opposite sex without your church community knowing the details. It has the
potential to encourage isolation as well, since you probably do not have common
circles of friends. Isolation is dangerous because sin and temptation abounds
in such conditions. Sin is deceitful, especially when we are isolated (see Heb.
3:12-13).
The fourth issue is that online dating makes it
easier for you to misrepresent your qualities and downplay your shortcomings
(they can do the same thing). I recently saw a commercial in which a young
woman is telling her neighbor that anything you read on the internet is true.
She then says she is waiting for her date, a French model she met online, to
show up. Just then an overweight, unattractive American man wearing a fanny
pack walks up and says “Bonjour.” Without flinching she walks down the street
with her “model” date. You can’t believe everything you read online, and a lack
of community and face to face interactions makes it easier to be deceived and
to deceive.
The fifth issue is that online dating may promote
laziness and lack of courage in men. Let’s face it, finding a date requires
courage. Asking a woman out means the risk of being shot down. And it takes a
lot more risk to spend time serving and getting to know the single women in
your church than it does to sit in front of your computer with your PJ’s on and
scroll through a bunch of profiles on the screen.
Finally, online dating tends to more easily promote
self-seeking relationships. Again, every relationship could be this way. But in
online dating, you are looking at a bunch of people and evaluating their
qualities to decide if you want to “buy in” to a date. It can become
consumeristic, instead of a servant-oriented way of thinking about others. The
temptation is to treat the people as profiles: to treat the person as if they
were a piece of furniture on the Antique Roadshow to be evaluated to determine
their real worth. This is not necessarily true, but the potential for this must
be carefully guarded against.
If
you plan on being involved with online dating (or already are), let me offer a
few pieces of wisdom to help you avoid these potential pitfalls.
The first thing is to involve an older, godly
Christian brother or sister who has a solid perspective on biblical
relationships and who will hold you accountable. Give them access to your
profile and messages. This will allow them to keep you honest and to keep your
communication wholesome and God-honoring. It is also important to have their
help in protecting you from harm since online dating may lend itself to
predators.
The next thing I would suggest is to limit your
search to singles in a radius that is within easy driving distance. If the potential
date is too far away, you run the risk of being in an isolated relationship and
lack the opportunity to get to see each other interact in groups of peers (a
good place to see the person’s character). You also run the risk of being a
poor steward of the time and money God has given you if you begin a
relationship which requires long trips to see each other.
Third, make sure you talk theology with any
potential date. You don’t have to grill your new friend (especially not on the
first date). But, you need to find out what they believe about important
doctrines such as who God is, how to be rightly related to God, the authority
of the Bible, etc. Theology is extremely important because it affects the way
you live out your faith. Since you are not meeting in the same church, you need
to spend a little more time checking to make sure you have agreement on major
biblical issues.
Fourth, take the relationship offline and into the
church community as quickly as you can. Spend time getting to know each other
in groups of friends. You probably shouldn’t immediately start attending their
church,[1]
but you should involve people from your church and their church in the process
as much as possible.
Conclusion
We have spent a lot of time looking at an
approach to dating that should be avoided and another of which you should be
cautious. You may wondering, “What approach should I employ in seeking a
spouse?” While the Bible doesn’t give us a particular method, it does give us
some direction. In the next post, I will spend some time on this subject.
This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles
[1]
I say this because this may move the level of commitment up too quickly. Switching
churches is a big deal. You have made a commitment to your local body of believers.
You should not leave those relationships lightly. Obviously, if you are engaged
or married, you should be worshiping and serving side by side in the same
church with your fiancé or spouse.
Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.
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