How to Prepare for Marriage

If you've been keeping up with the sporadic posts in the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Directions to Singles, you have seen the meaning and importance of singleness in the biblical storyline and some of the temptations to be aware of in the single season. Now, we are entering into a third "section." In the following posts we will begin to look at how to prepare for marriage. You will find that much of this applies to singles who want to get married and those who do not have such a desire. 

I occasionally have young, single men ask me what they should do to prepare for marriage. Such a question encourages me. They want to honor God and serve their future wife. The funny thing about preparing for marriage is that it is, in many ways, nothing more than maturing as a Christian. So, in one sense, every single Christian is not preparing for marriage, but simply maturing as a Christian. That being said, there are also some thoughts which do apply more specifically to single Christians who desire marriage.

So, how do I respond to those who ask how to prepare for marriage? My response is five-fold. They need to:

1. Grow in godly character,
2. Learn biblical masculinity and femininity
3. Join and serve a healthy, local church,
4. Prepare to leave mother and father,
5. Seek a spouse in ways that demonstrate faith in God and love towards others.

The first three apply to every Christian, even if they have no desire for marriage. I will expand on those in this chapter and then look at the more practical issues related to preparing for marriage in the following two chapters.

Before I do that, however, let me mention that this is not a “five-step plan to marriage.” There is no such thing. God gives us no “steps” to marriage. Doing these things does not mean God will owe you a spouse. God’s grace and gifts are not something we work to earn. By definition they are undeserved. So don’t try to make God a debtor to you. He does not and will not owe you anything, but He does freely and mercifully show you His goodness. His mercies are new every morning whether they include a spouse or not. Do not take these five things as steps to get what you want or ways to manipulate God, rather see them as ways you delight in and honor God while trusting His sovereign, wise, and good plans for you.

Over the coming weeks we will look at each of the five points above in more depth. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies. 

Analysis of the Supreme Court Decision

If you are looking for some insight into the details of the supreme court ruling (including the logic they used) and some Christian analysis, I recommend Dr. Albert Mohler's special podcast on The Briefing.

"Why the Church Should Neither Cave nor Panic about the Decision on Gay Marriage "

Here is a helpful article by Russell Moore (head of the Ethics and Religious Liberties Commission) on today's Supreme court ruling legalizing gay marriage for all 50 states. He is right it is not time to panic or back down.

A few quotes:

The Supreme Court can do many things, but the Supreme Court cannot get Jesus back in that tomb.

We must prepare for those, like the sexually wayward Woman at the Well of Samaria, who will be thirsting for water of which they don’t even know.
There are two sorts of churches that will not be able to reach the sexual revolution’s refugees. A church that has given up on the truth of the Scriptures, including on marriage and sexuality, and has nothing to say to a fallen world. And a church that screams with outrage at those who disagree will have nothing to say to those who are looking for a new birth.
We must stand with conviction and with kindness, with truth and with grace. We must hold to our views and love those who hate us for them.

"For the Fearful and Anxious"

Here is a helpful blog post at CCEF's blog written by Ed Welch on the topic of anxiety and fear.

"What Should the Church Say to Bruce Jenner?"

Here is a helpful article from Russell Moore on an issue that has been in the news recently. It is important that we think biblically on how to respond to the transgender issue.

Fighting Temptation

For the introduction to this series on temptations faced by singles click here. 

This is the last post on dangers of the single season. But don't be misled into thinking that we are done dealing with temptation. This side of heaven we will never be totally free of sin or from facing temptation. 

Fight Temptation

At this point you may be weighed down by all the ways you have given into temptation in your attitudes and actions. Or you could be congratulating yourself for how well you are doing in resisting temptation. Let me encourage you to avoid both of those responses.

We are to feel guilty over sin, but we are not to wallow in such guilt. We have a faithful and righteous high priest who lived the perfect life that God requires. He did this on our behalf! He died to pay the penalty for our sins. He is seated at the right hand of the Father to be our advocate. So, draw near to the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:14-16). Confess your sins and ask for renewed strength to live in light of the new life you already have in Christ (Rom. 6:1-14).

If you think you are doing well, give glory to God. It is Christ who is at work in you to do what God commands (Phil. 2:13). And remember that if you think you stand you should take heed lest you fall (1 Cor. 10:12). At some point you will probably be tempted in at least one of these areas. Humbly ask God to help you resist temptation.

In the past posts, I have given some specific ways to combat particular temptations. I want to conclude this section by giving a few general principles for battling all of the temptations I have mentioned so far.

First, Reflect on God’s Love for You in Christ

The gospel is where you most clearly see the sovereignty, goodness, and wisdom of God towards you. He sovereignly comes to show you His goodness through the wisdom of the gospel message. Understanding and believing the gospel generates a loving and humble trust in God which pushes sinful desires out of the heart.

This is not a one-time act, and it does not come naturally to our hearts. If you do not make this a conscious, ongoing effort, it will not happen. Plan to meditate on passages of Scripture such as:

Romans 8:32- He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Ephesians 2:1-10- And you were dead in the trespasses and sins ² in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— ³ among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. ⁴ But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, ⁵ even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— ⁶ and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, ⁷ so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ¹⁰ For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Titus 3:3-8 For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. ⁴ But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, ⁵ he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, ⁶ whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, ⁷ so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. ⁸ The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people.

While meditating on such wonderful truths, begin to prayerfully and actively replace sinful behavior with a lifestyle that honors God. So, for example, think of ways to put off manifestations of pride and how to put on humility. There are many good books that address each of the areas of temptation mentioned in the previous posts. It may be helpful for you to ask your pastor or an older godly man or woman at your church to help you pick out some good materials. [1]   

Second, Benefit from Your Church Family
That brings me to my final point. Benefit from your church family. Even though you may be single with regard to marital status, you are not alone when it comes to fighting sin. God has placed you in a body of believers. Faithfully gather with a local church to worship God, encourage one another, and reach out to the lost. Share your struggles with a trusted Christian friend of the same sex. Ask for their accountability and encouragement.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

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[1] For a fuller treatment on growing in godliness check out How Can I Change? By CJ Mahaney and Robert Boisvert and the CCEF mini-booklet Temptation: Fighting the Urge by Tim Lane (CCEF has other great mini-booklets on specific issues. Visit www.ccef.org).

Using Time Well in the Single Season

For the introduction to this series on temptations faced by singles click here. 

In the last post, we started to look at two areas in which we would do well to consider if we are to avoid regret (and more importantly to avoid disobeying God). Specifically, the area of worry and use of our time. We covered anxiety last time, so today we'll take a look at our use of time.

Failing to be Faithful in Regards to Time

Every ounce of energy and every moment of time is a gift from God. Being unmarried may provide you with more freedom over how you will use your time.[1] You have more flexibility as to how you will use your time. With this come temptations to squander the gift. There are two main ways of falling into temptation in this area.

The first temptation is that of being selfish with your time. Paul explicitly says that one of the benefits of remaining unmarried is that a person is free from the cares and responsibilities of fulfilling martial roles so that he or she can demonstrate the glory of God in another way (1 Cor. 7:32-35). That way is undivided devotion to the Lord. In other words, the single person has fewer specific requirements as to how he or she must use time and energy. But, do not mistake this for freedom to do whatever you want with your time. No, it is the Lord’s time (just as it is for the married person).

Perhaps you are really enjoying being single because you are able to do what you want to do when you want to do it. If what you want to do, however, is selfish, that is an unbiblical reason to stay single. Such an approach is the opposite of what Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 7. If your free time is only filled with leisure activities and lazy days then you need to ask God to give you more of a zeal for His Kingdom and ministry to others.

Now, don’t get confused by this and go to the other extreme. The other extreme is failing to be faithful to God by over-committing. This is saying, “Yes” to every request you get without examining how to use your time best to glorify God. Maybe you feel like every waking moment must be spent doing and going. However, this is not the biblical picture. This approach to life arises from either a fear of disappointing others or a disorganized life rather than an undistracted devotion to the Lord.

Let me give you some examples. Perhaps you become so busy working, vacationing, or even serving that you become unfaithful in your personal spiritual growth. Or maybe you fail to serve others well because you are investing in too many people at once. You are unable to really have an impact because you are stretched too thin. Or maybe you do so much that you never rest.[2] 

If you are struggling with your use of time, let me suggest getting a godly friend to help you evaluate your schedule. If you are being selfish, ask him or her to help you think of ways to serve God and others with your time and energy. If you are over-committing, ask him or her to help you evaluate your current commitments and make adjustments. You may even ask him or her to help you consider future requests that people will make of your time.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] This is obviously not the case if you are a single parent or are caring for aging parents.

[2] It is pride if you do not think you need rest. You are a finite creature, not the omnipotent Creator. Our need for rest humbles us by forcing us to recognize, in a tangible way, that we are dependent on the only One who is self-sufficient. It is fear of man if you know you need to stop and rest but fear letting others down if you say “no.” In this case, you care more about what others think than what God requires of you.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Worry and Wedding Bands

For the introduction to this series on temptations faced by singles click here. 

Regret is a powerful word. It conjures up thoughts of loss, waste, and failure. While we all will probably have some sense of regret, I would hope to spare you it in the areas of wasted time and energy. Some of the greatest regrets that many older folks have revolve around past anxieties and poor stewardship of time and opportunities. Looking back on life it becomes clear that anxiety over the future actually sapped the life right out of the present – it wasted away strength and joy. It also becomes apparent that time wasted on unimportant things or being so busy that one could not focus on what really mattered devoured productive years of life and service to God. Let’s take a moment to look at the temptation towards anxiety and, in the next post, poor stewardship of time so that we might be equipped to resist them.

Anxiety and Fear Concerning the Future

Anxious thoughts can often present themselves in the following manner, “What if [insert some bad outcome] happens?” Fear takes that “what if…” thought and changes it into a statement such as, “I know this bad thing will happen, and I am fearful of it.” Perhaps you have found yourself tempted to worry and be fearful in this single period of life.

Maybe you are anxious that you will scare away Mr. or Miss Right. This leads you to constantly replay conversations you have had with potential dates and analyze everything that was said. Such anxiety ties you up in knots. Internally, you always feel nervous. Externally, you are not able to minister to those around you because you are so concerned with avoiding your worst fears – a further protracted state of singleness – that you are unable to genuinely care about those around you. Those of the opposite sex become either potential spouses or rejects rather than brothers and sisters to care for and serve with no strings attached.

Or maybe you are tempted to fear what the future will be like if the Lord never gives you a spouse. As a single woman you might be anxious about anything from how to take care of maintenance issues to who will to take care of you as you age. As a man you may fear lonely nights at home by yourself.

What is the cure? For starters, I would suggest reading Matthew 6:25-34 (though staring in v. 19 is a good idea).

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁸ And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, ²⁹ yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.³⁴ “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

In this passage, Jesus speaks to crowds of people who had many “good” reasons to worry. For example, a drought could mean no food and subsequent starvation. This is not like today when we can just ship food in from thousands of miles away. But even in such a precarious spot, Jesus gives them better reasons not to worry. Take some time to read that passage and note the reasons He gives. For now, I want to look at the reason Jesus gives for why we worry.

The main reason we give into the temptation to worry is that we have “little faith” (Matt. 6:30). It is not necessarily that we have “no faith.”  What we need is a larger view of the God who cares. He oversees, in splendid fashion, the smallest parts of His creation. How much more will He oversee your life and care for you?  He knows what you need.

As the years go by and you remain single, you may be tempted to worry that you will never be married or have children. Realize that God’s plans are not thwarted by the passage of time; rather, all things unfold in His timing. So, do not be anxious, for which of you can add a wedding ring to your hand by worrying? 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Should Intimacy Increase as "Level of Commitment" Increases?

In the last post, which is part of a series on temptations in the single season, I began discussing the need for sexual purity. Specifically I addressed the fact that sex is designed as a sign of the covenant of marriage and is therefore only for one man and one woman in a marriage relationship.

Now, granted that sex is sinful for those who are not married, how should our level of physical intimacy look prior to marriage? Is it OK to become more physically involved as our dating relationship progresses (as long as we avoid “going all the way)?” Is our physical intimacy proportionate to our level of commitment, finally reaching intercourse once we make the ultimate level of commitment?

I would argue that, given what we have said about the design and purpose of sex, the answer to those questions is a resounding “No!” I say this for several reasons.

First, physical intimacy is designed to lead towards sex. This is why a married couple calls things like passionate kissing “foreplay.” It is the on-ramp to the highway of intercourse. On-ramps are not designed for U-turns. They lead in one direction and are intended for acceleration.

Second, since sex is reserved for marriage, and since the Bible commands us to treat each other as sisters and brothers prior to marriage, physical intimacy levels do not increase as we move towards marriage. Instead, it stays at the level of brother and sister until after the covenant of marriage is enacted. At that point the sign of the covenant is joyfully expressed. This may seem a little abstract, so let me help with two graphs from an illustration by Michael Lawrence.[1]

In the first graph, we see the common perspective that intimacy increases as level of commitment increases. In the second, we see the biblical perspective. In this view, you treat one another as siblings until the marriage covenant, which testifies to the gospel of Jesus Christ, is enacted.

So, on a practical level, what type of physical interactions are appropriate? A good principle is to ask, “Is this something I would do with my flesh and blood brother or sister?” If the answer is “No,” then neither should you be doing it with one whom the Bible says is your brother or sister. That is why Paul says to treat women who you are not married to as mothers or sisters with absolute purity (1 Tim. 5:2).

Does this sound radical? I think it might, but not because it is untrue and incorrect. I think the reason it sounds radical is that we live in a culture which seems to deify relationships and sexuality. As Christians, we may see through many of the lies, but I wonder if we have been swayed more in this area by the world than by the Bible.

So, we must not commit fornication or engage in increasing levels of physical intimacy as our dating relationships progress, but that is not all the Bible says about sexual purity. We must also avoid the impurity of looking lustfully at others. Jesus said that this is the same as committing adultery because God sees not just our actions but our heart (Matt. 5:28). Holiness, then, requires purity in action and thought. And this extends to what we watch on TV, what we look at on the computer, what we read, and what we think.[2]  As Romans 13:14 says, we are to “put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”

Does your view of sexuality line up with God’s purposes for it? Or are you tempted to believe the lies of the world? Will you trust the goodness of God and His design or will you trust the yearnings of your appetites (i.e., “it feels good so it must be right”)?

Conclusion

Brothers and sisters, beware that you do not imbibe the world’s philosophies (Jer. 2:13). You are strangers in a foreign land. You are citizens of heaven, and the ways of the world should often times look just as strange as the cultural differences you might experience when you visit another country. We ought to think carefully about what Christian love looks like in all of our relationships and see where worldly or selfish thinking has crept in. As citizens of God’s Kingdom we must be those who put God’s holiness and love on display.

I realize that some reading this may be filled with regret. Perhaps you have failed to live up to God’s standards of holiness in your past or current relationship. Remember that God’s grace does not ask you to undo the past. God’s grace calls you to rest fully in the righteous record of Jesus for you. It also changes you and enables you to be shaped progressively into the image of your righteous Christ (Titus 3:3-8).

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles.

  

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[1] This is from a talk that Mark Dever, Michael Lawrence, Scott Croft, and Matt Schmucker gave at a Desiring God conference. The talk was entitled, “Sex and the Single Man” and is available at www.desiringgod.org.

[2] If you struggle with sexual temptation (including pornography or masturbation), I recommend reading Josh Harris’ book Sex is Not the Problem (Lust is). 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies. 

The Call for Purity in Relationships

For the introduction to this series on temptations faced by singles click here. 

As Christians, we are to display God’s character to one another and a watching world, therefore holiness is not optional for the Christian. We are ambassadors of the holy God of the universe, so we must be holy. Such holiness means living within the guidelines God has given us for sexuality and purity. Holiness involves more than that, but it is surely not less than that. In the season of singleness, temptations towards sexual sin can be strong. So, we would do well to prepare for facing them. 

That God calls Christians, married and single, to sexual fidelity and purity is clear in Scripture. Here is one example from 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8:

³ For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; ⁴ that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, ⁵ not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; ⁶ that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. ⁷ For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. ⁸ Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (emphasis mine)

Verse six says that we must not “transgress and wrong” one another in the matter of purity. To transgress is to go beyond the proper limits of behavior. The Greek word for “wrong” means “to take advantage of, exploit, outwit, defraud, or cheat someone.”^[1] To engage in sexual immorality or to look lustfully (or desire to have others think you look sexy) is to take advantage of others. It is to take what does not belong to you for selfish gain. This is the case whether it is their body or their special attention which should belong only to a (future) spouse. So, how can you avoid defrauding someone?

When it comes to sexual behavior, we are to relate in appropriate ways based on the relationships we have. Paul tells Timothy to treat older women like mothers and younger women like sisters, with all purity (1 Tim. 5:2). He tells Titus to make sure the older women instruct the younger women to be pure (Titus 2:5). This means that if you are a man, every woman who is not your wife, even if she is your girlfriend or fiancée, is in the category of “sister.” If you are a woman, every man who is not your husband is your “brother.” There is not a special category in which you can take the physical to the next level simply because you are “more committed” to each other. There is no category of “friend with benefits.”  Being engaged does not change the fact that you are still unmarried. Your relationship is that of brother and sister.

Thinking that physical intimacy is simply commensurate to your level of commitment fails to understand the biblical view of marriage and sexuality. And what is the Biblical understanding of sex and marriage?

Sex is part of God’s good design for marriage. Marriage and sexuality are intended to put Jesus and his bride, the Church, on display.[2] This is why fornication[3] is so wrong. Read what theologian Dr. Russell Moore says about it:

Fornication isn’t merely “premarital.” Premarital is the language of timing, and with it we infer that this is simply the marital act misfired at the wrong time. But fornication is, both spiritually and typologically, a different sort of act from the marital act. That’s why the consequences are so dire.

Fornication pictures a different reality than the mystery of Christ presented in the one-flesh union of covenantal marriage. It represents a Christ who uses his church without joining her, covenantally and permanently, to himself. The man who leads a woman into sexual union without a covenantal bond is preaching to her, to the world, and to himself a different gospel from the gospel of Jesus Christ. And he is forming a real spiritual union, the Apostle Paul warns, but one with a different spirit than the Spirit of Christ (1 Cor. 6:15, 19).[4]

So, what is sex, biblically speaking?  Sex is the God-honoring, service to your spouse that is the sign of your covenant relationship. Sex is the sign of the covenant. It reveals the covenant reality that the two are one flesh.

Now, granted that sex is sinful for those who are not married, how should our level of physical intimacy look prior to marriage? Is it OK to become more physically involved as our dating relationship progresses (as long as we avoid “going all the way)?” Is our physical intimacy proportionate to our level of commitment, finally reaching intercourse once we make the ultimate level of commitment?

...we'll turn our attention to this question in the next post.  

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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^[1]“πλεονεκτέω” in Arndt, W., Danker, F. W., & Bauer, W. A Greek-English lexicon of the New Testament and other early Christian literature (3rd ed.).

[2]There are other ways we put Christ on display. So, those who are single do not need to fear they will be unable to put Christ on display if they never marry. The single shows Christ by living a life that is undivided in devotion to Christ. Having joy in Christ and his kingdom, even when your own kingdom (family) is not being built puts the glory and worthiness of Christ on display to a world that only looks at the physical. See chapters 1-2 and the conclusion.

[3] See 1 Cor. 6:9 NASB, Heb. 13:4 NASB. Fornication is the biblical word for sexual immorality between unmarried people.

[4]“Premarital Sex?”, Accessed at www.russellmoore.com on June 6, 2013.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Friendship and Dating Pitfalls

For the introduction to this series on temptations faced by singles click here. 

How does the world’s thinking about relationships differ from the biblical view? The worldly thinking we encounter in the United States is that relationships are some sort of game. It is common to single out someone of the opposite sex for an intimate friendship or dating relationship with no thought of marriage. Dating is simply a way to have fun and enjoy the companionship of a member of the opposite sex.

This, however, does not fit with the biblical picture. For starters, how does this model Christian love? Christ came to serve, not to be served. The “just have fun” model of dating is not focused on serving one another. It is, instead, enjoying the benefits of relationship with no desire to move towards the formal commitment of marriage.

“Formal commitment!? That seems to stifle love,” you say. However, I would argue that it is the context in which true love flourishes and is enjoyed. Look at God’s love towards us. He doesn’t just “go with the flow.” He intentionally pursues us. He makes a covenant, a formal promise, to have us as His people. And in this context we can bask in His love and have no reason to think He will abandon us. If we are to reflect God instead of the world, such a formal commitment must be the aim and goal of any dating relationship.

Additionally, spending regular one-on-one time with a member of the opposite sex (whether you call it dating or not) is not loving.[1] For one thing, one or both of you probably hope that this relationship is heading somewhere beyond friendship. This is probably the case even if you both verbalize a desire to “just be friends.” 

Even if it were true that you both really only wanted to be close friends it is not loving, because, to put it crassly, it takes the other person “off the market.” What I mean is that it keeps other potential men from pursuing her and causes other potential women to assume he is not interested in them. It appears to outsiders that you are an “item,” so no one else makes a move and everyone is confused. Even if you tell people that you and your friend are not an item, you must wonder if a prospective date would be interested in being with you while you are closely relating to another member of the opposite sex. I am sure my wife would not be happy if I did that, and I think the same would go for those who are pursuing marriage. It seems like a double standard to argue otherwise.

You may argue, “But I have Christian freedom since no Bible verse prohibits this type of recreational dating.” I would say that the biblical principles of love do oppose such relationships. Paul said in Galatians 3:3-4,

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’

If what I have said is true, then you must honestly ask yourself if your intimate friendships with members of the opposite sex are actually a loving service to one another.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that you cannot be friends and show Christian love to members of the opposite sex. I am saying that you cannot be close, intimate friends with a member of the opposite sex without being either foolish or selfish.[2]

If you desire such companionship, then pursue the security of a marriage covenant to enjoy such intimacy. If you do not desire marriage, then develop friendships with members of the same sex who can hold you accountable and encourage you in your walk with the Lord. Then, find ways to serve members of the opposite sex that do not single them out unnecessarily.  Spend time in groups studying the Bible, praying, serving, and having wholesome fun.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Some may justify it by the fact that the other person wants this type of relationship too. However, this is not the litmus test for what type of behavior is becoming for a citizen of heaven. Rather, the true test of love is found in what God says Christian love looks like.

[2] To clarify, by “close, intimate friend,” I mean someone who spend a lot of one-on-one time with, share your deepest feelings and thoughts and desires with, etc. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Dangers of the Single Season: Temptation to Live Like the World

For the introduction to this series on temptations faced by singles click here. 

Have you ever been to another country? I have been to a few and every time I am quickly reminded that I am in a place very different from home. The language, cultural icons, sights, and smells are all so different. 

In a similar way, we must realize that we Christians are not in our home country. We are strangers in this fallen world. Our citizenship is in heaven. Therefore, we are to live in this world, but we are to be strangers in it.  We are not to

love the world or the things in the world…for all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world (1 John 2:15-16).

“World,” in this passage, refers to the ways of thinking and acting which are in opposition to godly ways of thinking and behaving. So, we are not to love or embrace ways of thinking and living which are contrary to God’s Word. We are to live as citizens of the Kingdom of God rather than citizens of the domain of darkness. We are ambassadors, or representatives, of God to the world.

In the next several posts, we will consider two areas where all Christians, and especially unmarried Christians, are tempted to live in ways which contradict their true citizenship. The first is having a worldly perspective about relationships with members of the opposite sex. The second is the temptation towards sexual immorality.  

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.