Today, I want to address a method the Bible says we must avoid. Next time we'll look at a method I think we should be cautious of. Finally, we will look at principles the Bible does give us for pursuing a spouse.
A
Method to Avoid: Missionary Dating
I have heard it said that the Bible says nothing
against a Christian dating a non-believer. Most Christians would at least agree
that such a situation is not ideal, but I have seen several men and women, in
desperation, enter into such relationships. Usually they begin by saying they
will not date the non-Christian, and that they are simply spending a lot of time together in order to try
and win them to Christ. Before long however they are in a dating relationship, now
saying that they would never consider marrying the nonbeliever unless he or she
becomes a Christian.
I will not sugar-coat this for you. This is a method
which the Bible requires you to
avoid. Seeking a spouse among unbelievers is not a God-honoring method. I am
not saying there is a verse that says, “Thou shalt not date nonbelievers.” That
does not mean the Bible allows for it. In fact, there are many areas of life the
Bible doesn’t explicitly address which it, nonetheless, clearly prohibits in
principle. For example, it does not say, “You cannot participate in a Ponzi
scheme.”[1]
But there are clear biblical principles that would prohibit it (ex. not lying,
not stealing, etc.). In the same way, the culture in which the Bible was
written didn’t have what we know as dating, but the Bible still has much to say
about the issues surrounding modern dating.
The Bible clearly addresses the way Christians are
to relate to non-Christians, and it is in a way which prohibits pursuing close
relationships (i.e., dating and marriage). I will show you a couple passages
that teach this, but there are many others.
First, in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 Paul says,
Do not be
unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with
lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what
portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
In the context, Paul is telling the Corinthians how
they are to show their love towards him, the one who is a spiritual father to
them (v. 13). There was a faction that was rejecting his apostolic authority,
and he is telling the Corinthians not to be yoked with these unbelievers. To be
yoked is to be “hitched up” together. The picture is that of two animals
hitched together with a yoke to plow a field. So, this is an illustration of
the fact that Christians must not be tied together or closely allied with
unbelievers. Specifically, in this passage, Paul is saying not to be in close
alliance with those who are unbelievers and stirring up division in the church.
But the principle would apply to any situation in which Christians would link
closely with those who do not serve the same Lord. The reason I say this is
that Paul grounds his specific command in the broader principle that those who
are seeking the righteousness of God should have no intimate relationship with
those who serve false gods (which is every unbeliever).
To make this clearer, Paul goes on in verses 16-18 to
say that we (Christians) are the people of God. He is quoting from several Old
Testament passages in which the Israelites are called God’s people and told to
be separate from unbelieving nations around them. Paul is now applying to New
Testament believers this idea of being set apart to God. Think about it: in the
Old Testament, God was very clear that intermarrying with the pagans was not
acceptable. It would lead the Israelites away from God. The same is true today.
Those who are closest to us will influence our walk with the Lord.[2]
Since I’ve found that the pull towards justifying
dating or marriage relationships with unbelievers can be strong for singles, I
want to look at another passage to bolster my point. In 1 Corinthians 7:39,
Paul says, “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her
husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” Here,
Paul is specifically addressing the issue of marriage. Here, he has a word for widowed
women who are in the position of picking a spouse. They can choose whomever
they want as long as he is “in the Lord” (i.e., a Christian).
In New Testament times, a woman was not likely to be
able to choose her first spouse. This was usually arranged by her parents. So,
if she was going to choose who to marry, it would have been after being
widowed. In such a case, where she gets the choice, she is required to marry a
Christian. Therefore, in our culture, in which we have the choice of whom we
will marry, we must marry a Christian -- end of story.
“But what if I just date them? I won’t marry them
unless they become a Christian.” The Bible still says this is an ungodly
relationship. There are three reasons I say this.
The first reason this is ungodly is that it lacks
Christian love for others. In chapter 5, I have already elaborated on the idea
of dating with no intent on marrying. So, I will just mention that it is
unloving because it is basically using the other person so that you can have
enjoyment and companionship.
Second, if you are hoping that he or she becomes a
Christian so you can get married, I believe you are being confusing and
manipulative towards the nonbeliever. This attitude confuses your unbelieving
date because you say your ultimate allegiance is to Christ, and then you pursue
a degree of intimacy with a person who does not have Jesus as their Lord. It
looks as if Jesus’ lordship just means you try to live a morally upright life,
instead of revealing that He really rules over every area of your life
(including your human relationships). This can also be manipulative because it
is like dangling the carrot of a deeper relationship in front of your
non-believing friend if only they will convert. This all seems to reek of
worldly thinking and not Christian love.
Finally, this is an issue of where your ultimate
love is focused. I am convinced that the reason most Christians date an
unbeliever is that they love and desire a human relationship more than they
desire to love Jesus. They may not say that, but their actions seem to prove
it. Jesus calls us to a devotion to Himself that allows for no rivals. Even our
relationship with a Christian spouse cannot be allowed to overshadow our love
for Him. Jesus said it this way, in Matthew 10:37-39,
Whoever loves
father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or
daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And
whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever
loses his life for my sake will find it.
This is a sobering thought. Am I willing to die to
self to really live in Christ? If the answer is “No,” then we do not have the
life of Christ in us. If the answer is “Yes,” then every other relationship is
properly ordered under our allegiance
to Jesus and His will. Believing the lie that satisfaction is found ultimately
in human relationships rather than our relationship to Christ is deadly to the
soul.
The great pastor JC Ryle advised young men to “never
make an intimate friend of anyone who is not a friend of God.” He said,
Believe me, the importance of this
advice cannot be overrated. There is no telling the harm that is done by
associating with godless companions and friends. The devil has few better helps
in ruining a man’s soul. Grant him this help, and he cares little for all the
armor with which you may be armed against him. Good education, early habits of
morality, sermons, books, regular homes, letters of parents—all, he knows well,
will avail you little if you cling to ungodly friends. You may resist many open
temptations, refuse many plain snares; but once take up a bad companion, and he
is content. … You must recollect, we are all creatures of imitation: precept
may teach us, but it is example that draws us. There is that in us all, that we
are always disposed to catch the ways of those with whom we live; and the more
we like them, the stronger does the disposition grow. Without our being aware
of it, they influence our tastes and opinions; we gradually give up what they
dislike and take up what they like, in order to become more close friends with
them. And worst of all, we catch their ways in things that are wrong far
quicker than in things that are right. Health, unhappily, is not contagious,
but disease is. It is far more easy to catch a chill than to impart a glow; and
to make each other’s religion dwindle away, than grow and prosper. Young men, I
ask you to lay these things to heart. Before you let anyone become your
constant companion, before you get into the habit of telling him everything,
and going to him in all your troubles and all your pleasures—before you do
this, just think of what I have been saying, Ask yourself, “Will this be a
useful friendship to me or not?” [3]
Please don’t misunderstand. Ryle’s point, and mine,
is not that you must avoid unbelievers like the plague. We must love and reach
out to unbelievers. We do not fear becoming “unclean” merely by relating to
unbelievers.
The point is, will this friendship help you better
love God? If so, then a close friendship is permitted. If it will not, then
your relationship with them is not that of a close friendship. If you don’t
have Christ in common, then you are, by definition, going in two very different
directions despite any “chemistry” you might feel or common interests you may
have. You serve God, and they are under the power of Satan (John 8:44, 2 Cor.
4:4). You are in the Kingdom of God, and they are in the domain of darkness
(Col. 1:13). Therefore, your relationship to an unbeliever is one of seeking to
rescue them from a burning building, not of slow dancing with them by the light
of the fire of coming judgment.
This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles
[1]
A Ponzi scheme is offering people an investment opportunity which is really a
fraudulent attempt to get their money from them in such a way that they do not
notice the theft for a very long time.
[2]
This does not mean you may divorce a non-believing spouse. Paul explicitly
rejects this in 1 Cor. 7:12. But it does mean that before marriage you must
make the choice to not enter into such a relationship (cf. 1 Cor. 7:39).
[3]
Thoughts for Young Men, pg. 27.
Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.
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