Finding a "Good Thing:" Initiating a Dating Relationship

Alas, we are getting to the nitty gritty of finding a spouse.

Initiating a Relationship

While you are praying and living out your Christian life, God may bring along a man or woman that you are interested in getting to know a little better. There are a few things I would counsel you to do.

Evaluate What Attracts You to This Person

Are you just attracted to his or her physical appearance? Physical appearance is not the main thing when it comes to marriage. God is more concerned with the heart (1 Pet. 3:4; 1 Sam. 16:7). You should have the same concern, because what pleases God should please you. Also, be wise enough to realize that physical beauty fades in this fallen world. 

The Bible does not place an emphasis on outward appearances, though it does acknowledge that there is such a thing as beauty and attraction. Our culture, however, seems to be all bent out of shape over this issue. We, too easily, elevate beauty and issues of attraction higher than what God says is important (i.e., godly character). We quickly become worldly or self-focused and put the emphasis on our tastes and preferences. Men, we do a disservice to our Christian sisters when we talk about how attractive godly character is and then fawn over ungodly, outwardly attractive women or when we refuse to consider a godly woman just because she is not what we envisioned our wife looking like (the same goes for you, ladies). God’s Word also tells us we are being foolish: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).

So, are you attracted to this person for the right reasons? Do you see a godliness and love for God’s Word and God’s people in this person?

Make a Move, Man!

Yes, you! You have the responsibility to exercise leadership and to take the bulk of the risk in a relationship. This is a practical way to protect her and to show biblical masculinity. The way you should do this is to approach her about it. Do not be like a second grader who tries to do reconnaissance by asking her friends how she feels about you. And do not be manipulative by saying God told you to ask her out. If she is smart, she will say she didn’t get the memo from God on that one.

Some of you men are wondering if you should talk to her dad. I would say maybe. If her dad would appreciate it, then you should be willing to approach him. If he goes to the same church as you, then I would strongly recommend that you approach him. But, if she is older and has been living independently for a long time or if her dad is distant in his relationship with her, you may not need to talk to him first. However, it may be good to talk to her pastor or some other man who is seeking to protect her. The biblical principle is to protect her and to honor any God-given authorities in her life. There is no command to ask her dad, but in many circumstances it may be a very good way to apply the biblical principles of love and honor.

Respond to His Initiative, Woman

Women, if you see a man who you are interested in, then you should continue to serve and love others while trying to observe his character and conduct.  Do not take the role of initiating and leading this relationship. That is not the way a godly marriage functions, and it should not characterize a relationship you are hoping will lead to marriage. If he begins sending mixed signals about his intentions, by singling you out and not officially trying to begin a relationship, you might need to ask him to clarify his desire. Your job is to be ready to respond to his leadership. I know this may seem counter to your desire to “make things happen,” but it is a good opportunity to trust God to accomplish His will in your life. Don’t manipulate the situation. Trust God.

If you are not interested in him, then tell him. And don’t blame it on God. Don’t say, “The Holy Spirit is telling me we shouldn’t date.” He can handle being rejected by you, but not the Holy Spirit. He shows love by taking the risk and you show love by being clear and kind in your response. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

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