Why I Wrote a Book on Singleness & What it's About

If you've been reading the blog for the past several months, you saw the posts (numerous ones) on singleness. Those were from a book I wrote entitled, God, Singleness, & Marriage: How the Bible gives purpose and direction to singles. Well, it wasn't actually a book, but now it is.  You can order copies at amazon.com.

Why I wrote this book

The Bible has such a grand perspective on singleness, but it has often been overlooked, and I wanted to lay out what the Bible said in order to:

1. Encourage single men and women who were content in singleness, 
2. Provide a vision of God-glorifying singleness, and
3. Encourage married men and women to appreciate, love and serve singles as full members of the body of Christ.

I didn't start out planning to write on the subject. I began by looking for a book that I could use to encourage single men and women. As I read books on the topic, I found a bunch of really good ones but none that covered all of what I thought was important. Some focused on the practical (how to) type stuff and others were a bit academic. I wanted to see something that started with theology (it is rich on this topic) and dealt with the practical issues.  Also, I noticed that almost every book I could find on singleness was directed towards women, and I wanted one that would apply equally well to men and women. So I started writing, and, before I knew it, it was the length of a short book.

What the Book is about

It is about singleness and marriage, under the rule of God, and in service of his purposes. And, as the subtitle states, it is about how the Bible gives hope and direction to single Christians.

Its content is divided into three parts:

First, Singleness Redeemed- How the Bible gives purpose and hope to singles.

In this section, I trace Singleness through the Biblical storyline to see how singleness is redeemed; made useful for the Kingdom of God. Then, I give a Biblical vision for God-glorifying singleness in order to show how singleness serves the Kingdom now that it has been redeemed. The section closes with a look at how a right view of God gives hope to us all (single and married)

Second, Dangers of the Single Season- Keeping watch on your soul

This section contains 3 chapters that discuss some common dangers or temptations for single men and women (discontentment, fear, etc.).

Third, Living in the Single Season- Honoring God as a single person

The first chapter here is for all singles regardless of desire to get married or not. It discusses maturing as a Christian man or woman. The next two chapters are more specifically for singles desiring marriage: Honoring God as You Look for a Spouse and Biblical Principles for Finding a Spouse .                                   

I then conclude with a look at where marriage and singleness are ultimately going and how that gives us direction now - namely to glorify God through Jesus Christ.

I hope you can read it, benefit from it, and pass it on to others. 

A Wedding Reception That Will Change All Our Lives

This is the final post in a series on God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible gives purpose and direction to singles.  

As a man, my perspective on wedding receptions is that they serve one main purpose: they provide food of some sort. I suppose I should be more biblical and affirm that receptions provide a chance for the community of God to celebrate the nuptials they just witnessed with the newly married couple. Even with these good purposes, most of us would agree that we have never been to a wedding reception that changed our life. But the truth is, if you are a Christian, there is a wedding reception which will fill your heart with such joy that you will feel as if your heart is about to explode out of your chest. Before we get to that, let’s watch Jesus demolish our shortsighted view of marriage that stops us from seeing the wonders of what is to come.

Human Marriage is a Picture of Something Greater

A group of Sadducees approached Jesus and the spokesman of the group stepped forward. You can almost see the glimmer in his eye as he put Jesus to the test. The group thought they had Him right where they wanted Him. This little think tank devised a scenario that they thought would prove that Jesus was not the Messiah and that there is no such thing as the resurrection from the dead. Rubbing his fingers through his beard, the spokesman confidently began his “question.”

“Teacher, Moses wrote for us that if a man's brother dies and leaves a wife, but leaves no child, the man must take the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. There were seven brothers; the first took a wife, and when he died left no offspring.  And the second took her, and died, leaving no offspring. And the third likewise.  And the seven left no offspring. Last of all the woman also died. In the resurrection, when they rise again, whose wife will she be? For the seven had her as wife” (Mark 12:19-23, emphasis added).

I imagine that the group let out a collective chuckle and waited for what they thought would be Jesus hem hawing to buy time. But, what they got was quick and firm rebuke.

Jesus said to them, “Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven” (Mark 12:24-25, emphasis added).

There were two problems with the Sadducees’ presuppositions, and Jesus drops bunker-busting bombs on them both. First, they did not know the Scriptures. God’s Word clearly teaches that there is a resurrection. Second, they did not know the power of God. That is, they did not believe that God had the power to raise people from the dead and make the eternal state of their existence much more wonderful than the current one. They assumed this world was all there was. They were so caught up in the present that they refused to see the glorious realities of the resurrection.

They assumed that they could disprove the resurrection (and need for a Savior) by showing how crazy an eternal state would be. It would be ludicrous to try and sort out the woman’s relationship to these seven men if there were a resurrection. She would be polyandrous. Their critical error, however, was failing to see that marriage is a temporary reality pointing to an eternal reality. You see, no one is married in heaven because the shadow of human marriage will give way to the realities of heaven. That reality is of Jesus and His bride, the Church.

Don’t assume this means marriage in this life is unimportant to God’s eternal purposes. On the contrary, it was designed by God to testify to the reality and beauty of Jesus’ relationship to His Church. Ephesians 5:31-32 says,

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Men, if you marry, realize that the way you love, lead, provide for, and protect your wife has everything to do with picturing Jesus’ covenant with His Church. Women, if you marry, realize that the way you affirm and respond to your husband’s leadership puts the Church’s relationship with Christ on display.

But what does this mean for those who remain single their whole life? John Piper writes,

This has profound significance for singleness in this life. It means that if two wives will not be one too many [referring to those who remarry after the death of a spouse], then no wives will not be one too few. If love in the age to come is transposed into a key above and beyond the melody of marriage in this life, then singleness here will prove to be no disadvantage in eternity.[1]

I hope that you see that it is no disadvantage to be single now, either. Your singleness, just like marriage, serves to point to the eternal realities of the gospel message. How so?

For those who remain single by choice, you testify to the world that being part of Jesus’ family matters more than physical ties and offspring. Our world’s motto is, “You only live once.” And the perspective has been pervasive throughout the history of fallen mankind. But when you choose to live in a way that shows having spiritual offspring and contentment in your heavenly family is all you need, then you stand as a beacon of light for eternal realities.

For those who are single by trial and yet demonstrate contentment in the Lord, you too testify to the gospel. You bear witness that God is good and that your inheritance is not of this world. You prove that your own desires do not rule you, but Christ does. You demonstrate faith in God to a world which believes in only what it sees. When you seek to have spiritual offspring, even while your desire for physical offspring is unmet, you show that the family of God is more important than physical life. When you walk humbly with your Savior, even when you do not have an earthly spouse, you show that Jesus is your all.

The Banquet Hall of Heaven

As I said at the beginning of this post, there is coming a wedding banquet which will fill you with unspeakable joy. Marriage and singleness both point to it, and the married and single, rejoice when it comes. Here is the Apostle John’s description of it:

Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

“Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
    the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult
    and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
    and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself
    with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God” (Revelation 19:7-9).

This is your wedding reception, Christian! True blessing, everlasting happiness, belongs to “those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” At this table will be gathered all Christians. At this supper, none of them will be married to each other, because they are all, together, married to Jesus Christ.

This is not some weird “Jesus is my boyfriend” type of thing. This is the glorious reality to which human marriage points. It is the fullness of the reality that we, God’s people, are one with our Savior. We belong to Him. His love, protection, and joy belong to us. Our allegiance belongs to Him, and our everlasting happiness is found in Him.

The Final Word

Your eternal state begins with our collective feasting at the marriage supper of the Lamb. We have covered many practical matters, which are important in this life. But do not lose sight of the purpose of marriage and singleness. He who finds a wife finds a good thing. The one who is seated at the marriage supper of the Lamb lacks no good thing. Now that is a wedding reception I look forward to attending.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

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[1] “For Single Men and Women,” in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, pg. 13.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Moving towards Marriage

Moving towards Marriage

If the relationship is progressing in a healthy, God-honoring way, then you should be moving towards the goal of marriage. Don’t drag things on needlessly. Make a commitment.

You may be fearful of committing. You might wonder if a better person may come along. Let me challenge you to evaluate your thinking. Are you being self-centered in this thought? If this person is a godly man or woman who is your friend and cares about your well-being, what else do you need? Our culture has given us the idea that we must find “the one.” The idea is that there is one person with whom we will experience some amazing chemistry. But, when you look to Scripture you see nothing about “the one” or about “chemistry.” You simply see Christians loving and serving one another. 

Don’t misunderstand. I am not saying you should move into engagement and marriage if there are major red flags in the relationship. Major sin patterns and ungodliness will not change with marriage. Additionally, I am not saying you must marry someone you do not want to marry. You should have a desire to be a husband or wife to this individual.  Deal with major issues, but if there are not any, and you desire to marry this person, then move towards marriage.

Men, this is again the place for you to exercise leadership. Don’t wait for writing in the sky or some sign from God. Ask others who know you and her well to help you evaluate things. If they do not have any biblical reasons for you to put off marriage, then move forward. Ask her to marry you and if she says, “Yes!,” then pursue premarital counseling from your pastor.

You may wonder why you should do premarital counseling. I could give you a lot of good reasons, but let me just give you an analogy. Many people spend four years of their life in college preparing for their job. If we spend that much time preparing for a job, how much more should we be willing to invest in preparing for marriage? I am not advocating four years of preparation. I am saying you should meet with your pastor or a godly man and his wife to learn what God’s Word says about the challenges you will face in marriage.

Conclusion

Pursuing marriage is not easy. There is not a biblical list of 10 steps to finding a spouse. Though things are more complicated than they were for Adam and Eve, we have God’s sure Word to direct us in our pursuit of marriage. In this chapter, I have outlined a way of applying some of these biblical principles to the area of seeking a spouse. May God give you wisdom and love to handle all your relationships in a way which demonstrates a love for God and neighbor. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Evaluating a Dating Relationship

If a relationship begins, you should be sure you are evaluating it from a biblical perspective. [1] Just because it “feels right” doesn’t mean it is a good relationship. And just because each of you has flaws doesn’t mean you should end a relationship (if that were the case, only Jesus would be qualified to be your date).

This is a key aspect of pursuing marriage. JC Ryle points us to why it is important when he wrote,

And who can estimate the importance of a right choice in marriage? It is a step which, according to the old saying, “either makes a man or mars him.” Your happiness in both lives may depend on it. Your wife must either help your soul or harm it: there is no medium. She will either fan the flame of religion in your heart, or throw cold water upon it and make it burn low. She will either be wings or fetters, a rein or a spur to your Christianity, according to her character. He that findeth a good wife doth indeed “findeth a good thing” (Pro 18:22).[2]

You should evaluate whether or not the relationship encourages each of you to love, obey, and serve God. Do you encourage each other to know God’s Word and to obey it? Is he demonstrating qualities that indicate he is a good spiritual leader?[3] Is she supportive of godly leadership? Is Christ central to each of you and to your relationship? You are not just looking for someone who says they love Jesus. You are looking for someone who demonstrates a genuine love for Jesus in obedience to Him (John 14:21).

You should also consider whether or not the relationship is helping you love and serve others or if it is becoming inward focused. God calls you to serve and love others in the body of Christ, not just a particular person you are interested in pursuing for the purpose of marriage.

Another area to examine is your track record of handling conflict. When you get two sinful people together there will be times of conflict. When those times come, how do you handle it? Do work through them in a God-honoring way?  Being willing to solve problems in a biblical way is key to a God-honoring relationship.

 As things progress, you should look to see if you are heading in the same direction in life. If his desire is to be a Bible translator in Papua New Guinea and your desire is to live in Tallahassee, Florida and serve in your local church, then you need to have some serious discussion about that difference. If you marry one another, you will need to be going in one direction. Once you are married you are on the same path whether you like it or not. So, take time to evaluate it now. Obviously, you do not know what the future holds, but you must plan your ways even as you trust the Lord to direct your steps (Prov. 3:5-6).

As I have mentioned before, make sure to include an older godly man and woman in the process. Ask them to help evaluate your relationship. It is easy to let ourselves be blinded by infatuation. A godly Christian friend can often see these blind spots and help us see where we are ignoring problems or where we are making a bigger issue out of something than we really should.

If at any time it becomes clear that this relationship does not need to continue, you should lovingly let the other person know. It is not kind to let things continue once you have decided not to pursue marriage to this person. 

That brings us to our last point. How do you proceed when things are going well? We'll look at that next time. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

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[1] To help in evaluating a relationship I suggest using the article “Should We Get Married? Five ‘Pre engagement’ Questions to Ask Yourselves,” by David Powlison and John Yenchko. You can purchase it at www.ccef.org.

[2] Thoughts for Young Men, pg. 28.

[3] He doesn’t have to be a more intelligent than you to be able to do this. He just needs to love God even more than he loves you.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Initiating a Dating Relationship

Alas, we are getting to the nitty gritty of finding a spouse.

Initiating a Relationship

While you are praying and living out your Christian life, God may bring along a man or woman that you are interested in getting to know a little better. There are a few things I would counsel you to do.

Evaluate What Attracts You to This Person

Are you just attracted to his or her physical appearance? Physical appearance is not the main thing when it comes to marriage. God is more concerned with the heart (1 Pet. 3:4; 1 Sam. 16:7). You should have the same concern, because what pleases God should please you. Also, be wise enough to realize that physical beauty fades in this fallen world. 

The Bible does not place an emphasis on outward appearances, though it does acknowledge that there is such a thing as beauty and attraction. Our culture, however, seems to be all bent out of shape over this issue. We, too easily, elevate beauty and issues of attraction higher than what God says is important (i.e., godly character). We quickly become worldly or self-focused and put the emphasis on our tastes and preferences. Men, we do a disservice to our Christian sisters when we talk about how attractive godly character is and then fawn over ungodly, outwardly attractive women or when we refuse to consider a godly woman just because she is not what we envisioned our wife looking like (the same goes for you, ladies). God’s Word also tells us we are being foolish: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).

So, are you attracted to this person for the right reasons? Do you see a godliness and love for God’s Word and God’s people in this person?

Make a Move, Man!

Yes, you! You have the responsibility to exercise leadership and to take the bulk of the risk in a relationship. This is a practical way to protect her and to show biblical masculinity. The way you should do this is to approach her about it. Do not be like a second grader who tries to do reconnaissance by asking her friends how she feels about you. And do not be manipulative by saying God told you to ask her out. If she is smart, she will say she didn’t get the memo from God on that one.

Some of you men are wondering if you should talk to her dad. I would say maybe. If her dad would appreciate it, then you should be willing to approach him. If he goes to the same church as you, then I would strongly recommend that you approach him. But, if she is older and has been living independently for a long time or if her dad is distant in his relationship with her, you may not need to talk to him first. However, it may be good to talk to her pastor or some other man who is seeking to protect her. The biblical principle is to protect her and to honor any God-given authorities in her life. There is no command to ask her dad, but in many circumstances it may be a very good way to apply the biblical principles of love and honor.

Respond to His Initiative, Woman

Women, if you see a man who you are interested in, then you should continue to serve and love others while trying to observe his character and conduct.  Do not take the role of initiating and leading this relationship. That is not the way a godly marriage functions, and it should not characterize a relationship you are hoping will lead to marriage. If he begins sending mixed signals about his intentions, by singling you out and not officially trying to begin a relationship, you might need to ask him to clarify his desire. Your job is to be ready to respond to his leadership. I know this may seem counter to your desire to “make things happen,” but it is a good opportunity to trust God to accomplish His will in your life. Don’t manipulate the situation. Trust God.

If you are not interested in him, then tell him. And don’t blame it on God. Don’t say, “The Holy Spirit is telling me we shouldn’t date.” He can handle being rejected by you, but not the Holy Spirit. He shows love by taking the risk and you show love by being clear and kind in your response. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Be Faithful in Everyday Life

So far we have looked at the importance of prayer and examining God's providence (without trying to read his mind). 

Faithfully Tend to Your God-given Responsibilities

Instead of wasting time trying to develop methods for decoding secret messages from God, you should focus on faithfully fulfilling your God-given responsibilities. What responsibilities do you have right now?

To help you determine your God-given responsibilities you should consider your God-given roles. You are a church member (at least I hope you are). That comes with certain responsibilities to serve and minister to others in the body of Christ. Perhaps you are a student or have a job. God gives you the responsibility of serving your employer or of learning for the sake of blessing others down the road. If you are still dependent on your parents then you have responsibilities to obey them.

My point is that you should not think that your only responsibility is to find a spouse (assuming you desire marriage). You have other God-given roles that you must fulfill. You should not be unfaithful to what God has given you to do. So, as you look for a spouse, keep living the normal Christian life in all the areas God has placed you, and enjoy doing it.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Find a "Good Thing:" Examine God's Providence, But Don't Try and Read It!

As we continue looking at principles for finding a spouse, we must not leave behind the importance of prayer. So, if you missed the last post, please go back and read it. Now we move on to the next principle. It is a bit tricky.

Examine God’s Providence, but Don’t Try to Read It

Sometimes when we think about praying for a spouse we quickly begin to pray for God to reveal His sovereign will to us. In other words, we ask God to show us what the future holds. It isn’t wrong to ask God to sovereignly direct your steps (Prov. 3:5-6). But, when we get fixated on figuring out His hidden, future will, we tend to overcomplicate things and set ourselves up for trouble.

When looking for a spouse, we should examine God’s providential[1] dealings. The situations He places you in do affect your pursuit of a spouse. Are you in major debt, still finishing school, or about to move to a new place for work? All these things will affect your decisions about when and how you will pursue a dating relationship. In addition, as a finite being, you cannot meet every eligible Christian on the planet. So, you must take into account God’s providence by considering those He has placed in your life.

However, we should not look at situations as “signs” from God. We often get into trouble because we start trying to interpret God’s hidden will for our lives by reading His providential dealings. The problem is that we cannot know God’s sovereign will for us outside of what He has clearly told us in His Word (ex. Christ is returning for us, we will be with Him in heaven, and other prophecies in the Bible). But we often start to try and figure out the future by looking at what God is doing. We don’t like having to walk by faith, so we begin looking at circumstances as another channel of special revelation from God. 

Don’t assume that just because this is the first guy to take an interest in you since you started praying for a spouse that he is “the one.” He might be, but he might not be. Just because she likes to watch science fiction movies does not mean that God is telling you to marry her. 

You can take all those things as God’s providential dealings, but you must not pretend like they are secret communications from God that you must decode.  God doesn’t call you to interpret His providence. God calls you to humbly live under His providence.  He expects you to trust Him by applying His Word, found in the Bible, to everyday decisions.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

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[1] By providential I simply mean God’s sovereign, hidden will as we see it being played out in our lives. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Praying for a Spouse

In the last post, I pointed out that finding a spouse is probably more and less complicated than we make it out to be. Now, let's start to look at some simple, biblical principles we can apply to this complex art of finding a spouse. The first is prayer. 

Pray

I believe prayer is one of the most neglected and abused means of grace. It is easy to abuse prayer by turning it into a magic rabbit’s foot or a bell we ring to get God to come be our cosmic butler. On the other hand, it is often neglected because we assume that prayer really doesn’t do anything. “If God has a sovereign plan, then why should I pray?” the reasoning goes.

There are several reasons we must pray. First, we have a relationship with the living God who is our Father (Matt. 6:9). He is not some force. He cares for us and calls us to relate to Him in prayer (Matt. 7:8-11). Second, God commands us to pray (1 Thess. 5:17). Third, prayer is the means through which God does His sovereign work. God is sovereign over the outcomes and the way in which He accomplishes those outcomes. God sovereignly causes us to pray and uses those prayers in accomplishing exactly what He intends to do.

Therefore, we should pray, and that includes praying for a godly spouse. We should pray with faith that God can provide what we are requesting and that He delights to give good gifts to His children (Matt. 7:8-11). We should pray that God is at work in us, conforming us to the image of Christ. We should pray that He would help us to examine our own heart and motives in our pursuit of a spouse. We should ask Him to give us wisdom in deciding how to best order our relationships so that we faithfully love and serve those He has placed around us. And we should ask Him to give us a spouse that will help us glorify Him.

This does not mean He will give us a spouse when we want one. It does not mean He must give us a spouse at all. So, pray for God to give you the blessing of a spouse while trusting Him with your desires. 

Do not skip over this. And don’t see it merely as step one in finding a mate. Prayer is like breathing for the Christian. There may be times of more intense prayer because we are in circumstances that make us feel out of breath. There are times where prayer is more routine. But there is never a time when it stops unless you are dead (and then you shall see Him face to face).


This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Biblical Guidance to Finding a Spouse

Don’t you wish that you had it as easy as Adam and Eve? I mean, it was pretty obvious who they would marry. It was so uncomplicated. There was no wondering, “Is she the one?” Adam didn't wake up from his divinely induced slumber, behold woman and say, "Behold, this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; I wonder if she is the one God has for me?". 

It is more complicated for us. For starters, we have to contend with our sinful desires and motives and those of others. In addition, we have many more “options.” That actually seems to make things more difficult. A plethora of possible mates can paralyze us because we have anxiety over missing out. 

I understand these feelings, but I think we often tend to over-complicate things. However, in order to be “marriage material,” the other person really only needs to be a Christian (not just in name, but in reality) and eligible for marriage (i.e., not already married, not unbiblically divorced, and a member of the opposite sex).

That being said, since we do not live in a culture in which we simply line up all the eligible Christian men on one side of the fellowship hall and all the Christian ladies on the other side and then pair them off for marriage, we must think about how to go about pursuing a spouse.  Proverbs says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (18:22). So, how do you find a good thing? 

We have spent a lot of time looking at an approach to dating that should be avoided and another of which you should be cautious.  Now we will turn our attention to some biblical principles which we can employ in seeking a spouse. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Is Online Dating OK?

In the last post I argued that "missionary dating" is unbiblical and must be avoided. Now I turn to a method that I would be VERY cautious of. 

A Method to be Cautious of: Online Dating

In God’s providence, you and I live in a time of amazing technological advancements. Through the internet, we have the ability to communicate with people whom we might otherwise have not met. This has given rise to online dating sites.

I do not think the Bible prohibits online dating by direct command or by indirect principles. But I do think there are some biblical principles which we must take into account. Below are six cautions to take into consideration.

The first is the issue of motivation. In one sense this is not unique to online dating. As Christians, we realize that God cares about our motives, and, so, we must always seek to have God-honoring motives. When it comes to online dating, it would be good to consider why you are doing this. Is it out of desperation? Is it motivated by doubting that God is able (or willing) to bring you a spouse? Is it an attempt to force a relationship to happen on your time table? It might be or it might not. Perhaps you are content with where the Lord has you and see this as a means by which you are responsibly pursuing marriage.

The second issue to be cautious about regarding this form of finding a date is the lack of “natural” interactions. When you meet someone at church, work, or school, you typically have the opportunity to naturally get to know him or her over time. You can observe their character and interact with them as friends before initiating a dating relationship. Online dating, however, generally means that the first time you communicate is with the explicit intention of finding a date/mate. You may not have opportunities to simply observe them in group settings and to allow the relationship to naturally develop.

The third issue is a potential lack of accountability. Online dating allows you to have interactions with a member of the opposite sex without your church community knowing the details. It has the potential to encourage isolation as well, since you probably do not have common circles of friends. Isolation is dangerous because sin and temptation abounds in such conditions. Sin is deceitful, especially when we are isolated (see Heb. 3:12-13).

The fourth issue is that online dating makes it easier for you to misrepresent your qualities and downplay your shortcomings (they can do the same thing). I recently saw a commercial in which a young woman is telling her neighbor that anything you read on the internet is true. She then says she is waiting for her date, a French model she met online, to show up. Just then an overweight, unattractive American man wearing a fanny pack walks up and says “Bonjour.” Without flinching she walks down the street with her “model” date. You can’t believe everything you read online, and a lack of community and face to face interactions makes it easier to be deceived and to deceive.

The fifth issue is that online dating may promote laziness and lack of courage in men. Let’s face it, finding a date requires courage. Asking a woman out means the risk of being shot down. And it takes a lot more risk to spend time serving and getting to know the single women in your church than it does to sit in front of your computer with your PJ’s on and scroll through a bunch of profiles on the screen.

Finally, online dating tends to more easily promote self-seeking relationships. Again, every relationship could be this way. But in online dating, you are looking at a bunch of people and evaluating their qualities to decide if you want to “buy in” to a date. It can become consumeristic, instead of a servant-oriented way of thinking about others. The temptation is to treat the people as profiles: to treat the person as if they were a piece of furniture on the Antique Roadshow to be evaluated to determine their real worth. This is not necessarily true, but the potential for this must be carefully guarded against.

If you plan on being involved with online dating (or already are), let me offer a few pieces of wisdom to help you avoid these potential pitfalls.

The first thing is to involve an older, godly Christian brother or sister who has a solid perspective on biblical relationships and who will hold you accountable. Give them access to your profile and messages. This will allow them to keep you honest and to keep your communication wholesome and God-honoring. It is also important to have their help in protecting you from harm since online dating may lend itself to predators.

The next thing I would suggest is to limit your search to singles in a radius that is within easy driving distance. If the potential date is too far away, you run the risk of being in an isolated relationship and lack the opportunity to get to see each other interact in groups of peers (a good place to see the person’s character). You also run the risk of being a poor steward of the time and money God has given you if you begin a relationship which requires long trips to see each other.

Third, make sure you talk theology with any potential date. You don’t have to grill your new friend (especially not on the first date). But, you need to find out what they believe about important doctrines such as who God is, how to be rightly related to God, the authority of the Bible, etc. Theology is extremely important because it affects the way you live out your faith. Since you are not meeting in the same church, you need to spend a little more time checking to make sure you have agreement on major biblical issues.

Fourth, take the relationship offline and into the church community as quickly as you can. Spend time getting to know each other in groups of friends. You probably shouldn’t immediately start attending their church,[1] but you should involve people from your church and their church in the process as much as possible. 

Conclusion

We have spent a lot of time looking at an approach to dating that should be avoided and another of which you should be cautious. You may wondering, “What approach should I employ in seeking a spouse?” While the Bible doesn’t give us a particular method, it does give us some direction. In the next post, I will spend some time on this subject.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

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[1] I say this because this may move the level of commitment up too quickly. Switching churches is a big deal. You have made a commitment to your local body of believers. You should not leave those relationships lightly. Obviously, if you are engaged or married, you should be worshiping and serving side by side in the same church with your fiancé or spouse. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Is It OK to Date Someone Who Is Not a Christian?

Last time, I left you with a cliff-hanger. Does the Bible give us any direction when it comes to issues of whom we can date or how to pursue a dating relationship?  My answer is obviously "Yes" (otherwise why waste these pixels and post?). 

Today, I want to address a method the Bible says we must avoid. Next time we'll look at a method I think we should be cautious of. Finally, we will look at principles the Bible does give us for pursuing a spouse. 

A Method to Avoid: Missionary Dating

I have heard it said that the Bible says nothing against a Christian dating a non-believer. Most Christians would at least agree that such a situation is not ideal, but I have seen several men and women, in desperation, enter into such relationships. Usually they begin by saying they will not date the non-Christian, and that they are simply spending a lot of time together in order to try and win them to Christ. Before long however they are in a dating relationship, now saying that they would never consider marrying the nonbeliever unless he or she becomes a Christian.

I will not sugar-coat this for you. This is a method which the Bible requires you to avoid. Seeking a spouse among unbelievers is not a God-honoring method. I am not saying there is a verse that says, “Thou shalt not date nonbelievers.” That does not mean the Bible allows for it. In fact, there are many areas of life the Bible doesn’t explicitly address which it, nonetheless, clearly prohibits in principle. For example, it does not say, “You cannot participate in a Ponzi scheme.”[1] But there are clear biblical principles that would prohibit it (ex. not lying, not stealing, etc.). In the same way, the culture in which the Bible was written didn’t have what we know as dating, but the Bible still has much to say about the issues surrounding modern dating.

The Bible clearly addresses the way Christians are to relate to non-Christians, and it is in a way which prohibits pursuing close relationships (i.e., dating and marriage). I will show you a couple passages that teach this, but there are many others.

First, in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 Paul says,

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? ¹⁵ What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?

In the context, Paul is telling the Corinthians how they are to show their love towards him, the one who is a spiritual father to them (v. 13). There was a faction that was rejecting his apostolic authority, and he is telling the Corinthians not to be yoked with these unbelievers. To be yoked is to be “hitched up” together. The picture is that of two animals hitched together with a yoke to plow a field. So, this is an illustration of the fact that Christians must not be tied together or closely allied with unbelievers. Specifically, in this passage, Paul is saying not to be in close alliance with those who are unbelievers and stirring up division in the church. But the principle would apply to any situation in which Christians would link closely with those who do not serve the same Lord. The reason I say this is that Paul grounds his specific command in the broader principle that those who are seeking the righteousness of God should have no intimate relationship with those who serve false gods (which is every unbeliever).

To make this clearer, Paul goes on in verses 16-18 to say that we (Christians) are the people of God. He is quoting from several Old Testament passages in which the Israelites are called God’s people and told to be separate from unbelieving nations around them. Paul is now applying to New Testament believers this idea of being set apart to God. Think about it: in the Old Testament, God was very clear that intermarrying with the pagans was not acceptable. It would lead the Israelites away from God. The same is true today. Those who are closest to us will influence our walk with the Lord.[2]

Since I’ve found that the pull towards justifying dating or marriage relationships with unbelievers can be strong for singles, I want to look at another passage to bolster my point. In 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul says, “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” Here, Paul is specifically addressing the issue of marriage. Here, he has a word for widowed women who are in the position of picking a spouse. They can choose whomever they want as long as he is “in the Lord” (i.e., a Christian).

In New Testament times, a woman was not likely to be able to choose her first spouse. This was usually arranged by her parents. So, if she was going to choose who to marry, it would have been after being widowed. In such a case, where she gets the choice, she is required to marry a Christian. Therefore, in our culture, in which we have the choice of whom we will marry, we must marry a Christian -- end of story.

“But what if I just date them? I won’t marry them unless they become a Christian.” The Bible still says this is an ungodly relationship. There are three reasons I say this.

The first reason this is ungodly is that it lacks Christian love for others. In chapter 5, I have already elaborated on the idea of dating with no intent on marrying. So, I will just mention that it is unloving because it is basically using the other person so that you can have enjoyment and companionship.

Second, if you are hoping that he or she becomes a Christian so you can get married, I believe you are being confusing and manipulative towards the nonbeliever. This attitude confuses your unbelieving date because you say your ultimate allegiance is to Christ, and then you pursue a degree of intimacy with a person who does not have Jesus as their Lord. It looks as if Jesus’ lordship just means you try to live a morally upright life, instead of revealing that He really rules over every area of your life (including your human relationships). This can also be manipulative because it is like dangling the carrot of a deeper relationship in front of your non-believing friend if only they will convert. This all seems to reek of worldly thinking and not Christian love.

Finally, this is an issue of where your ultimate love is focused. I am convinced that the reason most Christians date an unbeliever is that they love and desire a human relationship more than they desire to love Jesus. They may not say that, but their actions seem to prove it. Jesus calls us to a devotion to Himself that allows for no rivals. Even our relationship with a Christian spouse cannot be allowed to overshadow our love for Him. Jesus said it this way, in Matthew 10:37-39,

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.  And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

This is a sobering thought. Am I willing to die to self to really live in Christ? If the answer is “No,” then we do not have the life of Christ in us. If the answer is “Yes,” then every other relationship is properly ordered under our allegiance to Jesus and His will. Believing the lie that satisfaction is found ultimately in human relationships rather than our relationship to Christ is deadly to the soul.

The great pastor JC Ryle advised young men to “never make an intimate friend of anyone who is not a friend of God.” He said,

Believe me, the importance of this advice cannot be overrated. There is no telling the harm that is done by associating with godless companions and friends. The devil has few better helps in ruining a man’s soul. Grant him this help, and he cares little for all the armor with which you may be armed against him. Good education, early habits of morality, sermons, books, regular homes, letters of parents—all, he knows well, will avail you little if you cling to ungodly friends. You may resist many open temptations, refuse many plain snares; but once take up a bad companion, and he is content. … You must recollect, we are all creatures of imitation: precept may teach us, but it is example that draws us. There is that in us all, that we are always disposed to catch the ways of those with whom we live; and the more we like them, the stronger does the disposition grow. Without our being aware of it, they influence our tastes and opinions; we gradually give up what they dislike and take up what they like, in order to become more close friends with them. And worst of all, we catch their ways in things that are wrong far quicker than in things that are right. Health, unhappily, is not contagious, but disease is. It is far more easy to catch a chill than to impart a glow; and to make each other’s religion dwindle away, than grow and prosper. Young men, I ask you to lay these things to heart. Before you let anyone become your constant companion, before you get into the habit of telling him everything, and going to him in all your troubles and all your pleasures—before you do this, just think of what I have been saying, Ask yourself, “Will this be a useful friendship to me or not?” [3]

Please don’t misunderstand. Ryle’s point, and mine, is not that you must avoid unbelievers like the plague. We must love and reach out to unbelievers. We do not fear becoming “unclean” merely by relating to unbelievers.

The point is, will this friendship help you better love God? If so, then a close friendship is permitted. If it will not, then your relationship with them is not that of a close friendship. If you don’t have Christ in common, then you are, by definition, going in two very different directions despite any “chemistry” you might feel or common interests you may have. You serve God, and they are under the power of Satan (John 8:44, 2 Cor. 4:4). You are in the Kingdom of God, and they are in the domain of darkness (Col. 1:13). Therefore, your relationship to an unbeliever is one of seeking to rescue them from a burning building, not of slow dancing with them by the light of the fire of coming judgment.

Dear brother or sister, perhaps you are in an “unequally yoked” relationship. Maybe you have never given much thought to what the Bible says on this issue. Perhaps you have not given much thought to your own motives in dating a nonbeliever. I urge you to consider the passages mentioned above and to examine your own motives. If you are already in a relationship with a nonbeliever, you must end it. Do it graciously and humbly (admitting how you have sinned against the Lord and them), but do it you must. Ask an older godly man or woman in your church to help you think about how to do this in a way that shows love to the other person and which upholds your undivided devotion to your Lord.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

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[1] A Ponzi scheme is offering people an investment opportunity which is really a fraudulent attempt to get their money from them in such a way that they do not notice the theft for a very long time.

[2] This does not mean you may divorce a non-believing spouse. Paul explicitly rejects this in 1 Cor. 7:12. But it does mean that before marriage you must make the choice to not enter into such a relationship (cf. 1 Cor. 7:39).

[3] Thoughts for Young Men, pg. 27. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.