Prepare for Marriage: Learn Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

Last time we saw that preparing for marriage is really just maturing as a Christian by growing in godliness. That is a lesson for ALL singles, indeed all Christians regardless of their desire to marry.

That brings us to point number two. Every Christian, no matter his or her marital status, must grow in a biblical sense of masculinity and femininity. This may sound rather foreign in our egalitarian society which says that there is no difference between men and women. Our culture is quick to steamroll any distinctions between men and women because they think differences mean inequality. But, we must think biblically on this issue.

In His wisdom, God has designed men and women to complement one another (not compliment- though that isn’t a bad thing to do). That is, He has made them equal, yet different. Men and women are equal in their dignity as humans (Gen. 1:26-27), their need and path to salvation (Rom. 3:23, Gal. 3:27-29), and their ability to possess spiritual gifts (Rom. 12:3-8).[1]

Men and women are different in their roles. So what are the differences? Here is how John Piper summarizes what the Bible says about mature masculinity and femininity:

At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships. [2]

At the heart of mature femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships.[3]

There is a lot packed in to these definitions. If this is brand new to you I encourage you to read his chapter entitled “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity” in the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.[4] In that chapter, Piper unpacks each of these phrases. For now, I will point out a few of the key differences.

Mature masculinity is a responsibility to lead (Eph. 5:23).[5] It is not a “right” but a weighty responsibility (Luke 22:24-27). It is not self-seeking, but seeking what is best for those you are leading (Mark 10:45). Mature masculinity is also providing for and protecting (Eph. 5:25, 28-29). That involves taking initiative and not being passive. All of these things are to be done for the women around you in ways which are appropriate to your relationship with them (it looks different depending on if they are your mother, sister, wife, etc.). When it comes to dating, you must be the one to take the risk and try to initiate a relationship. When it comes to the direction of the relationship, you must not simply “go with the flow” but provide direction. When it comes to purity, you must lead her in holy ways.  

Mature femininity is a desire to encourage and receive this leadership, provision, and protection from godly men (Eph. 5:22). This means you are not domineering, and you are not a doormat (1 Pet. 3:1-6). You are active in responding to men in appropriate ways given your relationship with them (father, brother, husband, etc.). In a dating relationship, you are not submitting to him as you would a husband, but you are looking to see if he is the kind of man you could marry and therefore submit to. You are affirming and receiving his leadership in the current relationship.

This design of equality and distinction brings God glory and causes men and women to flourish. Therefore, men and women must learn how to biblically live out their God-given roles. Obviously there is a lot more that could be said. I have not had the space to provide the biblical support for this vision of manhood and womanhood. If this is brand new thinking to you, I strongly encourage you to spend time studying this issue.[6]

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Note, a woman can be gifted by the Spirit of God to teach. This does not mean she should use this gift in a way which violates the Spirit’s clear directions in Scripture for a woman not to be a teacher of the Word of God to men (see. 1 Tim. 2:12). She should exercise this gift in other, God-honoring ways (teaching children’s Sunday school, teaching other women, etc.).

[2] John Piper, in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, pg. 36.

[3] Ibid., pg. 46

[4] This is available for free download from www.desiringgod.org.

[5] I realize many of these verses deal directly with the marriage relationship, but as John Piper argues, these roles are ingrained into our natures as men and women, and these desires and actions don’t just spontaneously generate once we are married.

[6] For more information on this, check out John Piper’s book or DVD series entitled What’s the Difference: Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible.

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Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Preparing for Marriage by Growing in Godly Character

Grow in Godly Character

Every Christian, single or married, is called to live a godly life (1 Tim. 4:7).  So, my first piece of counsel to someone living in the single season is to make it their aim to glorify God by looking more and more like Jesus.  This is not something we can do by our own power. We are not saved by works, and we will not be conformed to the image of Christ by simply working harder (Gal. 3:3). This doesn’t mean we just “let go and let God” do the work of growth for us. Our sanctification does involve us working with God’s empowering grace.[1]

Paul brings these two ideas into clear view when he says,

“…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Phil. 2:12b-13).

Do you see both truths there? He commands us to “work out [our] salvation.” Notice he doesn’t say “work for your salvation.” He basically says, “God saves you from the power of sin, now work out the implications of this freedom in your life.” You must work to put off sin and put on righteousness. But, this “working” is not a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” self-empowered change. Paul says the reason you work out your salvation is because “it is God who works in you.” He is working in us to incline our will to do the things which please Him. 

With that groundwork laid, it is time to think of specific areas where you may need to grow. We don’t fall into godliness. We must pursue it. And we don’t change in generalities; we change in specifics. What I mean is that we don’t change by saying, “I need to grow in Christ-likeness.” We change when we ask, “In what specific areas do I need to look more like Christ?” Then, we look to the Bible to see the character that is becoming of one who has new life in Christ.

To help you think specifically and biblically about areas of character to grow in, I suggest you start by holding up Titus 1:7-9 as a mirror to your life. Here Paul lays out the qualifications for elder. You may think, “But I’m not asking to be an elder, just a godly man.” Or you may be thinking, “I am a woman, how does this apply to me?” It applies because every Christian is called to live a life characterized by these virtues and absent of these vices.[2]

Let’s examine these qualifications for a moment. The main charge is to be above reproach. This is to live with a clear conscience before God and man. Paul fleshes this out with a list of five vices to put off and six virtues to put on so that you will be godly. Below, I have a chart showing the vices (and the opposite characteristic to put on) as well as a chart describing the virtues. I encourage you to look for specific areas where you can focus on growing. Remember, change won’t happen in the general. So get specific as to where you need to grow and what growth will look like.

Five Vices to Replace

Vice	Opposite	Application
Arrogance/Self-will- Pushy and seeking one's own will instead of God's and instead of looking out for the interests of others. It is also a pride that won’t receive criticism well.	A humble servant who looks out for the interest of others instead of using power for personal gain (Matt. 20:25-28). A proper view of self (a sinner) which enables you to receive criticism.	Do you often push for your own way? How are you looking out for the interests of others? How do you handle criticism?  Do you examine it humbly to see if it is true or does it go “in one ear and out the other?”
Quick-Tempered- Having a “short fuse,” or being easily angered.	Humility, gentleness, patience, love (Eph. 4:1-2)	Are you easily provoked to anger by people and situations? If you ask someone to do something and they don’t do it the way you want or they fail, how do you respond? With patience or in anger?
Drunkard- A person whose companion is wine (or any other substance that causes a person to not be clear-headed/sober-minded).	Being self-controlled and filled with the Spirit (Eph. 4:18).	Are you free not to drink? Do you drink to the point of not being clear-headed? Do you see alcohol as a means of escaping life’s problems?
Violent- Abusiveness, meanness, or fighting to get one’s own way or to suppress opposition. Riding rough-shod over others or bullying them with physical violence or with your words.	Gentleness (1 Tim 3:3) and being a peacemaker (Rom. 12:18).	Do you like brawling to get your way (physically or striking with your words)? Are you argumentative or quick to attack those who get in your way or express a different opinion? Or, do you seek peace in situations?
Greedy for Gain- Seeking financial or material gain without integrity.  Loving money and material things. Unsatisfied with what you have.	Contentment (1 Tim. 6:6), seeking God’s Kingdom and His righteousness above all (Matt. 6). Being a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7).	Are you content financially and materially? Or do you constantly seek happiness in having newer and nicer things (phones, clothes, etc.)?

Six Virtues to Put on

Virtue	Application
Hospitable- One who gives practical help to new comers.	Are you welcoming new people at church instead of just talking to your group of friends? Do you try to meet the needs of other Christians that you do not know that well? Or are you quick to make excuses and slow to inconvenience yourself for others?
Loving what is good- Loves what is good as opposed to sinful, worthless, and not God-glorifying.	Our close friendships should be with those who love good things. The ultimate “good” is Christ. So you should love those who love Christ. Do the TV shows you watch make light of that which is evil according to God?  The problem is not that you would go do the things you see, but that you are mentally delighting in what is not good.
Sensible- Being wise and thoughtful. Not being driven by emotion, but cool-headed.	Are you controlled in your thinking, not given to a lack of control and being “feelings” driven?
Upright- Living righteously and justly.	Do you seek to practice righteousness in your everyday life? Do you want to be just in your dealings with others?
Holy/Devout- Living a life that is pleasing to God.	Do you regularly confess and repent of your sin before the Lord (even if others don’t know about it)? Do you seek to find out what pleases the Lord from His Word? Do you seek to do what is pleasing to the Lord?
Disciplined/ Self-controlled- Having one’s desires in check and under control.	Are you ruled by your desires for money, sleep (laziness), food (overeating), and/or material things? Do you lack control with your use of time (wasting much time on TV or the Internet) or money? Or do you rule over your desires so that you might be focused on pursuing the one prize- namely, Jesus (1 Cor. 9:24-27)?

Have you found a few areas to grow in? Please, do not move on without taking some time for honest, humble self-evaluation.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Justification, on the other hand, is a work which we do not cooperate in. It is wholly of God. See Ephesians 1:11 and Romans 8:29-30.

[2] All of them, with the exception of “able to teach,” are found either directly or indirectly in other passages as characteristics for all Christians to exhibit.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

How to Prepare for Marriage

If you've been keeping up with the sporadic posts in the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Directions to Singles, you have seen the meaning and importance of singleness in the biblical storyline and some of the temptations to be aware of in the single season. Now, we are entering into a third "section." In the following posts we will begin to look at how to prepare for marriage. You will find that much of this applies to singles who want to get married and those who do not have such a desire. 

I occasionally have young, single men ask me what they should do to prepare for marriage. Such a question encourages me. They want to honor God and serve their future wife. The funny thing about preparing for marriage is that it is, in many ways, nothing more than maturing as a Christian. So, in one sense, every single Christian is not preparing for marriage, but simply maturing as a Christian. That being said, there are also some thoughts which do apply more specifically to single Christians who desire marriage.

So, how do I respond to those who ask how to prepare for marriage? My response is five-fold. They need to:

1. Grow in godly character,
2. Learn biblical masculinity and femininity
3. Join and serve a healthy, local church,
4. Prepare to leave mother and father,
5. Seek a spouse in ways that demonstrate faith in God and love towards others.

The first three apply to every Christian, even if they have no desire for marriage. I will expand on those in this chapter and then look at the more practical issues related to preparing for marriage in the following two chapters.

Before I do that, however, let me mention that this is not a “five-step plan to marriage.” There is no such thing. God gives us no “steps” to marriage. Doing these things does not mean God will owe you a spouse. God’s grace and gifts are not something we work to earn. By definition they are undeserved. So don’t try to make God a debtor to you. He does not and will not owe you anything, but He does freely and mercifully show you His goodness. His mercies are new every morning whether they include a spouse or not. Do not take these five things as steps to get what you want or ways to manipulate God, rather see them as ways you delight in and honor God while trusting His sovereign, wise, and good plans for you.

Over the coming weeks we will look at each of the five points above in more depth. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies. 

Analysis of the Supreme Court Decision

If you are looking for some insight into the details of the supreme court ruling (including the logic they used) and some Christian analysis, I recommend Dr. Albert Mohler's special podcast on The Briefing.

"Why the Church Should Neither Cave nor Panic about the Decision on Gay Marriage "

Here is a helpful article by Russell Moore (head of the Ethics and Religious Liberties Commission) on today's Supreme court ruling legalizing gay marriage for all 50 states. He is right it is not time to panic or back down.

A few quotes:

The Supreme Court can do many things, but the Supreme Court cannot get Jesus back in that tomb.

We must prepare for those, like the sexually wayward Woman at the Well of Samaria, who will be thirsting for water of which they don’t even know.
There are two sorts of churches that will not be able to reach the sexual revolution’s refugees. A church that has given up on the truth of the Scriptures, including on marriage and sexuality, and has nothing to say to a fallen world. And a church that screams with outrage at those who disagree will have nothing to say to those who are looking for a new birth.
We must stand with conviction and with kindness, with truth and with grace. We must hold to our views and love those who hate us for them.

"For the Fearful and Anxious"

Here is a helpful blog post at CCEF's blog written by Ed Welch on the topic of anxiety and fear.

"What Should the Church Say to Bruce Jenner?"

Here is a helpful article from Russell Moore on an issue that has been in the news recently. It is important that we think biblically on how to respond to the transgender issue.