Finding a "Good Thing:" Evaluating a Dating Relationship

If a relationship begins, you should be sure you are evaluating it from a biblical perspective. [1] Just because it “feels right” doesn’t mean it is a good relationship. And just because each of you has flaws doesn’t mean you should end a relationship (if that were the case, only Jesus would be qualified to be your date).

This is a key aspect of pursuing marriage. JC Ryle points us to why it is important when he wrote,

And who can estimate the importance of a right choice in marriage? It is a step which, according to the old saying, “either makes a man or mars him.” Your happiness in both lives may depend on it. Your wife must either help your soul or harm it: there is no medium. She will either fan the flame of religion in your heart, or throw cold water upon it and make it burn low. She will either be wings or fetters, a rein or a spur to your Christianity, according to her character. He that findeth a good wife doth indeed “findeth a good thing” (Pro 18:22).[2]

You should evaluate whether or not the relationship encourages each of you to love, obey, and serve God. Do you encourage each other to know God’s Word and to obey it? Is he demonstrating qualities that indicate he is a good spiritual leader?[3] Is she supportive of godly leadership? Is Christ central to each of you and to your relationship? You are not just looking for someone who says they love Jesus. You are looking for someone who demonstrates a genuine love for Jesus in obedience to Him (John 14:21).

You should also consider whether or not the relationship is helping you love and serve others or if it is becoming inward focused. God calls you to serve and love others in the body of Christ, not just a particular person you are interested in pursuing for the purpose of marriage.

Another area to examine is your track record of handling conflict. When you get two sinful people together there will be times of conflict. When those times come, how do you handle it? Do work through them in a God-honoring way?  Being willing to solve problems in a biblical way is key to a God-honoring relationship.

 As things progress, you should look to see if you are heading in the same direction in life. If his desire is to be a Bible translator in Papua New Guinea and your desire is to live in Tallahassee, Florida and serve in your local church, then you need to have some serious discussion about that difference. If you marry one another, you will need to be going in one direction. Once you are married you are on the same path whether you like it or not. So, take time to evaluate it now. Obviously, you do not know what the future holds, but you must plan your ways even as you trust the Lord to direct your steps (Prov. 3:5-6).

As I have mentioned before, make sure to include an older godly man and woman in the process. Ask them to help evaluate your relationship. It is easy to let ourselves be blinded by infatuation. A godly Christian friend can often see these blind spots and help us see where we are ignoring problems or where we are making a bigger issue out of something than we really should.

If at any time it becomes clear that this relationship does not need to continue, you should lovingly let the other person know. It is not kind to let things continue once you have decided not to pursue marriage to this person. 

That brings us to our last point. How do you proceed when things are going well? We'll look at that next time. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

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[1] To help in evaluating a relationship I suggest using the article “Should We Get Married? Five ‘Pre engagement’ Questions to Ask Yourselves,” by David Powlison and John Yenchko. You can purchase it at www.ccef.org.

[2] Thoughts for Young Men, pg. 28.

[3] He doesn’t have to be a more intelligent than you to be able to do this. He just needs to love God even more than he loves you.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Initiating a Dating Relationship

Alas, we are getting to the nitty gritty of finding a spouse.

Initiating a Relationship

While you are praying and living out your Christian life, God may bring along a man or woman that you are interested in getting to know a little better. There are a few things I would counsel you to do.

Evaluate What Attracts You to This Person

Are you just attracted to his or her physical appearance? Physical appearance is not the main thing when it comes to marriage. God is more concerned with the heart (1 Pet. 3:4; 1 Sam. 16:7). You should have the same concern, because what pleases God should please you. Also, be wise enough to realize that physical beauty fades in this fallen world. 

The Bible does not place an emphasis on outward appearances, though it does acknowledge that there is such a thing as beauty and attraction. Our culture, however, seems to be all bent out of shape over this issue. We, too easily, elevate beauty and issues of attraction higher than what God says is important (i.e., godly character). We quickly become worldly or self-focused and put the emphasis on our tastes and preferences. Men, we do a disservice to our Christian sisters when we talk about how attractive godly character is and then fawn over ungodly, outwardly attractive women or when we refuse to consider a godly woman just because she is not what we envisioned our wife looking like (the same goes for you, ladies). God’s Word also tells us we are being foolish: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).

So, are you attracted to this person for the right reasons? Do you see a godliness and love for God’s Word and God’s people in this person?

Make a Move, Man!

Yes, you! You have the responsibility to exercise leadership and to take the bulk of the risk in a relationship. This is a practical way to protect her and to show biblical masculinity. The way you should do this is to approach her about it. Do not be like a second grader who tries to do reconnaissance by asking her friends how she feels about you. And do not be manipulative by saying God told you to ask her out. If she is smart, she will say she didn’t get the memo from God on that one.

Some of you men are wondering if you should talk to her dad. I would say maybe. If her dad would appreciate it, then you should be willing to approach him. If he goes to the same church as you, then I would strongly recommend that you approach him. But, if she is older and has been living independently for a long time or if her dad is distant in his relationship with her, you may not need to talk to him first. However, it may be good to talk to her pastor or some other man who is seeking to protect her. The biblical principle is to protect her and to honor any God-given authorities in her life. There is no command to ask her dad, but in many circumstances it may be a very good way to apply the biblical principles of love and honor.

Respond to His Initiative, Woman

Women, if you see a man who you are interested in, then you should continue to serve and love others while trying to observe his character and conduct.  Do not take the role of initiating and leading this relationship. That is not the way a godly marriage functions, and it should not characterize a relationship you are hoping will lead to marriage. If he begins sending mixed signals about his intentions, by singling you out and not officially trying to begin a relationship, you might need to ask him to clarify his desire. Your job is to be ready to respond to his leadership. I know this may seem counter to your desire to “make things happen,” but it is a good opportunity to trust God to accomplish His will in your life. Don’t manipulate the situation. Trust God.

If you are not interested in him, then tell him. And don’t blame it on God. Don’t say, “The Holy Spirit is telling me we shouldn’t date.” He can handle being rejected by you, but not the Holy Spirit. He shows love by taking the risk and you show love by being clear and kind in your response. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Be Faithful in Everyday Life

So far we have looked at the importance of prayer and examining God's providence (without trying to read his mind). 

Faithfully Tend to Your God-given Responsibilities

Instead of wasting time trying to develop methods for decoding secret messages from God, you should focus on faithfully fulfilling your God-given responsibilities. What responsibilities do you have right now?

To help you determine your God-given responsibilities you should consider your God-given roles. You are a church member (at least I hope you are). That comes with certain responsibilities to serve and minister to others in the body of Christ. Perhaps you are a student or have a job. God gives you the responsibility of serving your employer or of learning for the sake of blessing others down the road. If you are still dependent on your parents then you have responsibilities to obey them.

My point is that you should not think that your only responsibility is to find a spouse (assuming you desire marriage). You have other God-given roles that you must fulfill. You should not be unfaithful to what God has given you to do. So, as you look for a spouse, keep living the normal Christian life in all the areas God has placed you, and enjoy doing it.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Find a "Good Thing:" Examine God's Providence, But Don't Try and Read It!

As we continue looking at principles for finding a spouse, we must not leave behind the importance of prayer. So, if you missed the last post, please go back and read it. Now we move on to the next principle. It is a bit tricky.

Examine God’s Providence, but Don’t Try to Read It

Sometimes when we think about praying for a spouse we quickly begin to pray for God to reveal His sovereign will to us. In other words, we ask God to show us what the future holds. It isn’t wrong to ask God to sovereignly direct your steps (Prov. 3:5-6). But, when we get fixated on figuring out His hidden, future will, we tend to overcomplicate things and set ourselves up for trouble.

When looking for a spouse, we should examine God’s providential[1] dealings. The situations He places you in do affect your pursuit of a spouse. Are you in major debt, still finishing school, or about to move to a new place for work? All these things will affect your decisions about when and how you will pursue a dating relationship. In addition, as a finite being, you cannot meet every eligible Christian on the planet. So, you must take into account God’s providence by considering those He has placed in your life.

However, we should not look at situations as “signs” from God. We often get into trouble because we start trying to interpret God’s hidden will for our lives by reading His providential dealings. The problem is that we cannot know God’s sovereign will for us outside of what He has clearly told us in His Word (ex. Christ is returning for us, we will be with Him in heaven, and other prophecies in the Bible). But we often start to try and figure out the future by looking at what God is doing. We don’t like having to walk by faith, so we begin looking at circumstances as another channel of special revelation from God. 

Don’t assume that just because this is the first guy to take an interest in you since you started praying for a spouse that he is “the one.” He might be, but he might not be. Just because she likes to watch science fiction movies does not mean that God is telling you to marry her. 

You can take all those things as God’s providential dealings, but you must not pretend like they are secret communications from God that you must decode.  God doesn’t call you to interpret His providence. God calls you to humbly live under His providence.  He expects you to trust Him by applying His Word, found in the Bible, to everyday decisions.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

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[1] By providential I simply mean God’s sovereign, hidden will as we see it being played out in our lives. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Praying for a Spouse

In the last post, I pointed out that finding a spouse is probably more and less complicated than we make it out to be. Now, let's start to look at some simple, biblical principles we can apply to this complex art of finding a spouse. The first is prayer. 

Pray

I believe prayer is one of the most neglected and abused means of grace. It is easy to abuse prayer by turning it into a magic rabbit’s foot or a bell we ring to get God to come be our cosmic butler. On the other hand, it is often neglected because we assume that prayer really doesn’t do anything. “If God has a sovereign plan, then why should I pray?” the reasoning goes.

There are several reasons we must pray. First, we have a relationship with the living God who is our Father (Matt. 6:9). He is not some force. He cares for us and calls us to relate to Him in prayer (Matt. 7:8-11). Second, God commands us to pray (1 Thess. 5:17). Third, prayer is the means through which God does His sovereign work. God is sovereign over the outcomes and the way in which He accomplishes those outcomes. God sovereignly causes us to pray and uses those prayers in accomplishing exactly what He intends to do.

Therefore, we should pray, and that includes praying for a godly spouse. We should pray with faith that God can provide what we are requesting and that He delights to give good gifts to His children (Matt. 7:8-11). We should pray that God is at work in us, conforming us to the image of Christ. We should pray that He would help us to examine our own heart and motives in our pursuit of a spouse. We should ask Him to give us wisdom in deciding how to best order our relationships so that we faithfully love and serve those He has placed around us. And we should ask Him to give us a spouse that will help us glorify Him.

This does not mean He will give us a spouse when we want one. It does not mean He must give us a spouse at all. So, pray for God to give you the blessing of a spouse while trusting Him with your desires. 

Do not skip over this. And don’t see it merely as step one in finding a mate. Prayer is like breathing for the Christian. There may be times of more intense prayer because we are in circumstances that make us feel out of breath. There are times where prayer is more routine. But there is never a time when it stops unless you are dead (and then you shall see Him face to face).


This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Are You Able to Make the Case Against Abortion?

With the release of videos showing some horrific details about abortion, now is a good time to brush up on your ability to make the case against abortion. As Christians, we have an obligation to God and fellow humans to speak up for the helpless and oppressed because God takes it seriously (see Psalm 10).

For starters, don't give in to the argument that "planned parenthood has done nothing illegal." First, that is still not at all clear. If anything the evidence at this point suggests something illegal is going on. But, legality is not the main issue. The strong have always had the "law" on their side when the oppress the helpless. Slavery was legal too, but that didn't make it right. The question is not "is it legal" but is it the intentional taking of innocent human life (which is always wrong)?

Here is a short video that will help refresh your memory on how to briefly make the case that abortion is indeed the unjust taking of human life. It starts with science and then moves to philosophy. These are arguments that non-religious folks are able to track with.




Also, here is a written out version of these same ideas that is a bit more comprehensive from Tim Challies.

Finding a "Good Thing:" Biblical Guidance to Finding a Spouse

Don’t you wish that you had it as easy as Adam and Eve? I mean, it was pretty obvious who they would marry. It was so uncomplicated. There was no wondering, “Is she the one?” Adam didn't wake up from his divinely induced slumber, behold woman and say, "Behold, this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; I wonder if she is the one God has for me?". 

It is more complicated for us. For starters, we have to contend with our sinful desires and motives and those of others. In addition, we have many more “options.” That actually seems to make things more difficult. A plethora of possible mates can paralyze us because we have anxiety over missing out. 

I understand these feelings, but I think we often tend to over-complicate things. However, in order to be “marriage material,” the other person really only needs to be a Christian (not just in name, but in reality) and eligible for marriage (i.e., not already married, not unbiblically divorced, and a member of the opposite sex).

That being said, since we do not live in a culture in which we simply line up all the eligible Christian men on one side of the fellowship hall and all the Christian ladies on the other side and then pair them off for marriage, we must think about how to go about pursuing a spouse.  Proverbs says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (18:22). So, how do you find a good thing? 

We have spent a lot of time looking at an approach to dating that should be avoided and another of which you should be cautious.  Now we will turn our attention to some biblical principles which we can employ in seeking a spouse. 

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.