The first major temptation is that of
discontentment. This is not unique to those who are unmarried, but it is often
a temptation when a person seriously desires a good gift which God has not yet
given. Discontentment arises when we fail to trust God with our desires and,
instead, place our hope in changed circumstances. It becomes a more pronounced
temptation the longer the undesirable circumstances continue. For example, you
might have a good desire to be married. Discontentment enters when you start
thinking “I must be married if I am
to be happy.” And the longer your relationship status is “unmarried,” the more
unhappy and ungrateful you become.
Discontentment usually manifests itself in a heart
that complains, either directly or indirectly, against God when desires are not
met. It is often accompanied by ungratefulness for the good gifts and
sustaining grace God has given. This is deadly to the soul if left unchecked,
for it involves a heart that is not totally satisfied in God and His provision.
Additionally, discontentment provides a poor
testimony to those watching your life. As Andreas Kostenberger and David Jones
write,
When singles display habitual
discontentment with their present marital status, they communicate to a
watching world that Jesus is insufficient for them or that perhaps he is
incapable of meeting their desires.[1]
Before discussing how to resist the temptation
towards discontentment, let me mention two things that are quite unhelpful. The first is coping. Coping is survival mode. It is
seeing yourself as a victim, rather than as having a stewardship from God. It
is just trying to get along until God finally brings you that special someone.
The person who is coping may try to pack his or her
schedule so full that there isn’t ever time to think about a desire for
relationship. And maybe this is even mistaken for contentment, but contentment is
not merely survival. It is not dulling the pain until the relief of marriage
comes. True contentment is not coping. It is thriving under the providence of
God, even the hard providence of God. It is actively using the time and energy
you have as a single person for “undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:35).
The second unhelpful thing is fantasy. You may constantly imagine how great life would be “if
only I were married.” Or you may regularly drift off into thoughts about that
ideal man or woman. Perhaps you read novels (even “Christian” ones) or watch
movies and shows which feed this type of thinking.
Let me encourage you to put this thinking, and the
things which feed it, aside (Phil. 4:6-8). You may think you are being content
because you are not throwing yourself at every eligible bachelor or
bachelorette that darkens the door of the church, but this is not the same as
contentment. The “if only” thoughts will quickly lead to discontentment, and
they will not stop after you say “I do.” Once you are married you will dream
about a million other things: having children, a day when your children are not
so needy, having time and money for vacations, retiring, being young again,
etc. As Clint Archer wrote:
There is a lie that many people
believe: that to be happy their circumstances need to change. If they are sad
and single, they believe they will be happy when the nuptials are said. But you
are the same person you were walking up the aisle as you are walking down it.
If you are a discontent person, then you will soon transfer your discontent to
your spouse. Discontent with a spouse quickly degenerates into malcontent. Then
bitterness.[2]
You might be thinking, “But marriage is a good gift.
It is not wrong to desire it.” To which I say, it is a good gift, but good
gifts make terrible gods. Gifts are never intended to be where we find our
ultimate satisfaction. When we start looking to created things to do what only
God can do – namely satisfy our deepest longings and provide lasting joy – we
will always be discontent.
Don’t let marriage become an idol in your life. If
you are willing to sin to get it, or sin if you don’t get it (with
discontentment for example), it has become an idol. That may seem like a big claim,
but consider that if we are willing to sin against God in pursuit of something
or someone else, then that thing or person is, at that moment, more important
to us than God.
So what is the solution to discontentment? The
greatest cure to discontentment is reflecting on the goodness and wisdom of
God. When you are tempted to be discontent, ask yourself if you really believe
God is good and wise in withholding the gift of marriage from you at this
moment. If you are given to discontentment, I think you will find that, at
least functionally, you have some doubts about one or both of these truths. Or,
perhaps, you have begun to value God’s gifts more than you value God himself.
The good news is that contentment is something which
we can learn. Paul said,
…I have learned in whatever situation I am to
be content. I know how to be brought
low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned
the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need (Phil.
4:11b-12).
Then he tells us what the secret to contentment is:
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (v. 13).
In Christ, he had all he needed to faithfully serve God and others. Thank God
that He gives us the strength to be content, and in that strength, work on
putting on contentment.
And
what is contentment? As Robert Jones puts it,
It is having a satisfied mind in any situation. It is
finding inner satisfaction in God alone and in His provisions for you…It is
consciously enjoying the fact that God is good, even when your circumstances
are not.[3]
[1]
God Marriage and Family, pg. 197.
[2]
“Why Isn’t a Pretty Girl Like You Married? Staying Stag Pt. 2.” Accessed at thecripplegate.com
on June 15, 2013.
[3]“Learning
Contentment in All Your Circumstances,” Journal of Biblical Counseling, Fall
2002, pg. 53.
This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles.
Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.
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