Does the Bible Give a Method for Seeking a Spouse?

Seek a Spouse with God-Honoring Methods

Let me start out by saying that I do not have “the biblical method for finding a spouse.” Sorry to disappoint some of you. The Bible simply does not offer a method. It does describe plenty of methods, but I don’t think these descriptions are intended to be emulated.

Think for example of the way Adam found Eve. God put him to sleep and formed her from his rib (Gen. 2:21-22). I am pretty sure you should not take this as your plan for finding a mate (you will be waiting forever). Or, think of the method used by the tribe of Benjamin, in the Old Testament. They had a bunch of men and no women to marry them. So, they waited in ambush to kidnap a bunch of single women who were dancing at a festival (Judges 21:16-23). I do not recommended this method (it will land you in prison).

I could go on, but the point is that there is not some biblical command on how to find a spouse. All of the methods we could look at in the Bible are descriptive, not prescriptive. The context of each situation makes this clear. The Bible does not promote dating, courting, arranged marriages or any other method.

That being said, it is not as though the Bible has nothing to say on the subject. The Bible may not be a road map for us here, but it is a compass giving us general, guiding principles that we can apply to our cultural ways of doing things. In the West, we primarily use the method of dating. We have already discussed many things which would apply to how we think about relationships in general. Here, however, I want to zoom in on how to apply biblical truth to the question of methods -- specifically, dating.  Does the Bible give us any direction when it comes to issues of whom we can date or how to pursue a dating relationship? 

To be Continued...

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Prepare for Marriage: Leave Father and Mother

In the last few posts, I began my response to the question, “How do you prepare for marriage?” I outlined my response with these five points:

1. Grow in godly character,2. Learn biblical masculinity and femininity,3. Join and serve a healthy local church,4. Prepare to leave mother and father,
5. Seek a spouse in ways that demonstrate faith in God and love towards others.

The first three items above apply to all Christians. So, the initial answer to how to prepare for marriage is to live as a godly, Christian man or woman in the context of a healthy church.

Now we turn to the last two points which deal with the more practical issues of getting ready for marriage. Remember, these are not intended to be a simple “five steps to marriage” formula. God is sovereign in the distribution of his gifts including marriage and singleness. So, these are not steps, but ways in which we honor God as we trust and wait.

Prepare to Leave Mother and Father

The fourth part of preparing for marriage is getting in a position to leave your parents and unite to a spouse. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This idea of leaving father and mother to form a new family unit is part of what it means to be married. So, a young man or woman must put himself or herself in a position to do this. 

This is the biblical principle, but what does it look like? In American culture, I believe this means a couple will be able to financially support themselves. You may not have enough money to buy a nice house, a car, etc. However, you should have enough income to pay for housing, transportation (even if it is the bus), and food (Ramen noodles, anyone?). Continued dependence on parents for financial support should be phasing out as you move toward marriage. 

Leaving mother and father is more than just an issue of finances. I also believe this means learning to live independently in terms of decision making and emotional support. This is not the same thing as being a “know-it-all” or the foolishness of not heeding wise counsel. And it is not something that happens apart from growing in financial independence.[1] Learn how to listen to counsel and then make responsible, adult decisions. To prepare for marriage, you need to develop the ability to apply biblical principles to life decisions.

As a single person it is often wise to involve your parents in the major decisions you make.[2] This is especially true if they are Christians. They can help you see how God’s Word applies. If you are a woman, they can help you evaluate a potential spouse and provide protection from unsuitable men.[3]

So, benefit from your parents, but move forward from the parent/child relationship which calls you to “obey” them and into a parent/adult relationship which calls you to “honor” them. A child must do both. An adult son or daughter (who is really living like an adult) is simply called to honor his or her mother and father. This transition may be more of a process that unfolds over time rather than a one-time event, but it must happen if you are moving towards marriage.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Some younger adults want “to have their cake and eat it too.” They want to be treated like an adult when it comes to the freedom to make their own choices, but they want mom and dad to finance their lifestyle.

[2] I say “often” because I realize there may be significant barriers and issues in your relationship with your parents. If this is the case, ask an older godly man or woman in your church to help you work through those issues.

[3] If your parents are not in a position to do this (because of physical or emotional distance) you should rely more heavily on church leadership to help you in this process. 

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

"The Sexual Revolution's Coming Refugee Crisis"

Russell Moore has an article that is worth a read. about the issue of ministering in our current cultural climate. Below is an excerpt:

We should understand why the culture around us is exuberant. They believe this will make them happy, that their alienation has been a result of cultural marginalization or Puritan repression. But the primary problem we all have is internal. There’s a conscience that speaks to us of a word we want to hide from—“Where are you, and where are you going?”

There are two sorts of churches that won’t be able to reach the refugees of the future.

The first is the church that is so scared of people that we scream at them in anger and condemnation. If we see ourselves as people who are “losing” a culture rather than people who have been sent on a mission to a culture, this is how we will be. That will be exacerbated if we take our cues from those who play outraged Christian caricatures for a living rather than from those who have come to seek and to save that which was lost. If we do not love our mission field, we will have nothing to say to it.

The second sort of church that will fail these refugees is the church that gives up, or silences, its convictions because they’re not popular. This too is fear. We assume that we can reach people if we dance around the sexual questions, thinking that we can get to that part of discipleship after they’re part of the family. That’s just not the way Jesus does it. Jesus gets right at the point of guilt, the part the person is protecting, and calls the person not only to repentance but also to forgiveness and freedom (Jn. 4:16).

Prepare for Marriage: Be a Part of a Healthy Church

Last time we looked at learning biblical masculinity and femininity, and prior to that we looked at growing in godly character. Being a part of a healthy church is the third component to preparing for marriage. Remember though that these first three are applicable to ALL Christians even if they have the spiritual gift of singleness. 

Growth in godliness and manhood or womanhood is meant to happen in discipleship relationships. What I mean is a relationship in which a young man finds a more mature, godly man to help him learn and grow and a younger woman does the same with an older woman. This is why Paul commands Titus to see to it that older men and women are instructing the younger men and women in the things we have been discussing (see Titus 2).

These discipleship relationships don’t have to be formal, but they will not happen without some intentionality. First, you must be part of a local body of Christians. The New Testament knows nothing of a lone ranger Christian.[1] Second, you need to spend time with fellow church members. Third, you need to be teachable. That is you need to have a humility in which you do not assume you already know everything about the Christian life, and you must not be defensive when challenged in your thinking or behavior. Finally, you need to have open and honest discussions with a few members you are close to about your struggles, joys, and questions you have.

Not only does the local church provide the atmosphere for the growth we have mentioned to take place, it is also where you exercise your spiritual gifts. In 1 Corinthians 12:7 Paul says, “To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.”  Your gifts are not your gifts. They are for the good of the body of Christ -- the church. You have the responsibility to use the gifts God has given you for the health of the body of Christ. This applies even to your gift of singleness. Don’t think, “Because I am single I am unimportant to the body.”[2]

If you are not part of a local body of believers, why not commit to a healthy church today?[3] If you already are a member, are you exercising your gifts? Are you participating in the life of the body? Or, are you isolating yourself because of your marital status? I understand that the body of Christ often fails to make singles feel like they have a place, but, don’t let that stop you from doing what God has called you to do. Don’t let your perceptions or self-pity stop you from serving.

Are You Preparing for Marriage?
Every Christian must be growing in godliness, living as God designed you, and functioning in the body of Christ. These are not nice add-ons for the truly spiritual. This is simply faithful Christian living

For those of you interested in marriage, you are probably still wondering how you should go about preparing specifically for marriage. In the next few posts, we will look at the last two points which apply more specifically to the subset of Christian singles who are interested in marriage.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Here is some evidence for that. 1. The New Testament letters are written to churches or church leaders. 2. Commands to leaders in the church to shepherd the flock means there must be a flock to be shepherded. 3. The “one another” commands (ie. love one another, serve one another, etc.) require you to be in constant fellowship with Christians in the church.

[2] 1 Cor. 12:14-15- “For the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵ If the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,’ that would not make it any less a part of the body.”

[3] If you need help figuring out what a healthy church looks like, according to the Bible, then check out “What are the 9 Marks?” at www.9marks.org.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

The Reproaches of Christ and Loving Enemies

The Reproaches of Christ

Denny Burk writing about the issue of sexual ethics and the reproaches of Christ notes,

Here’s the bottom line. No amount of niceness, of social justice advocating, of human-trafficking opposition, of listening to the right bands, of wearing the right clothes, of poverty relief, of reading N. T. Wright—or whatever cool Christian stuff you can align with—will remove the reproach of Christ from you if you choose to follow his teaching on sexuality. You are on a fool’s errand if you are trying. If you are trying to save your life, you will lose it. But if you will lose your life for his sake, you will find it (Matthew 16:25).

This doesn't mean we stop caring about social justice issues (we didn't begin to care about them to gain the praise of men, did we?). What it means is that we would be naive to assume being "nice" will get us a pass when it comes to being rejected and slandered. By God's grace we must count it joy that we can follow in the footsteps of Christ who was misunderstood, hated, and murdered for the sake of love, truth, and the glory of God. Click the link to read a quote from David French too.

#Lovewins

The #lovewins has been very popular. But as Christians, may we show that love wins in our willingness to love those who hate us. May we care about their souls even if they do not and even if it means persecution.

Luke 6:32-36

32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

Prepare for Marriage: Learn Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

Last time we saw that preparing for marriage is really just maturing as a Christian by growing in godliness. That is a lesson for ALL singles, indeed all Christians regardless of their desire to marry.

That brings us to point number two. Every Christian, no matter his or her marital status, must grow in a biblical sense of masculinity and femininity. This may sound rather foreign in our egalitarian society which says that there is no difference between men and women. Our culture is quick to steamroll any distinctions between men and women because they think differences mean inequality. But, we must think biblically on this issue.

In His wisdom, God has designed men and women to complement one another (not compliment- though that isn’t a bad thing to do). That is, He has made them equal, yet different. Men and women are equal in their dignity as humans (Gen. 1:26-27), their need and path to salvation (Rom. 3:23, Gal. 3:27-29), and their ability to possess spiritual gifts (Rom. 12:3-8).[1]

Men and women are different in their roles. So what are the differences? Here is how John Piper summarizes what the Bible says about mature masculinity and femininity:

At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships. [2]

At the heart of mature femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships.[3]

There is a lot packed in to these definitions. If this is brand new to you I encourage you to read his chapter entitled “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity” in the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.[4] In that chapter, Piper unpacks each of these phrases. For now, I will point out a few of the key differences.

Mature masculinity is a responsibility to lead (Eph. 5:23).[5] It is not a “right” but a weighty responsibility (Luke 22:24-27). It is not self-seeking, but seeking what is best for those you are leading (Mark 10:45). Mature masculinity is also providing for and protecting (Eph. 5:25, 28-29). That involves taking initiative and not being passive. All of these things are to be done for the women around you in ways which are appropriate to your relationship with them (it looks different depending on if they are your mother, sister, wife, etc.). When it comes to dating, you must be the one to take the risk and try to initiate a relationship. When it comes to the direction of the relationship, you must not simply “go with the flow” but provide direction. When it comes to purity, you must lead her in holy ways.  

Mature femininity is a desire to encourage and receive this leadership, provision, and protection from godly men (Eph. 5:22). This means you are not domineering, and you are not a doormat (1 Pet. 3:1-6). You are active in responding to men in appropriate ways given your relationship with them (father, brother, husband, etc.). In a dating relationship, you are not submitting to him as you would a husband, but you are looking to see if he is the kind of man you could marry and therefore submit to. You are affirming and receiving his leadership in the current relationship.

This design of equality and distinction brings God glory and causes men and women to flourish. Therefore, men and women must learn how to biblically live out their God-given roles. Obviously there is a lot more that could be said. I have not had the space to provide the biblical support for this vision of manhood and womanhood. If this is brand new thinking to you, I strongly encourage you to spend time studying this issue.[6]

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Note, a woman can be gifted by the Spirit of God to teach. This does not mean she should use this gift in a way which violates the Spirit’s clear directions in Scripture for a woman not to be a teacher of the Word of God to men (see. 1 Tim. 2:12). She should exercise this gift in other, God-honoring ways (teaching children’s Sunday school, teaching other women, etc.).

[2] John Piper, in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, pg. 36.

[3] Ibid., pg. 46

[4] This is available for free download from www.desiringgod.org.

[5] I realize many of these verses deal directly with the marriage relationship, but as John Piper argues, these roles are ingrained into our natures as men and women, and these desires and actions don’t just spontaneously generate once we are married.

[6] For more information on this, check out John Piper’s book or DVD series entitled What’s the Difference: Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible.

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Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.

Preparing for Marriage by Growing in Godly Character

Grow in Godly Character

Every Christian, single or married, is called to live a godly life (1 Tim. 4:7).  So, my first piece of counsel to someone living in the single season is to make it their aim to glorify God by looking more and more like Jesus.  This is not something we can do by our own power. We are not saved by works, and we will not be conformed to the image of Christ by simply working harder (Gal. 3:3). This doesn’t mean we just “let go and let God” do the work of growth for us. Our sanctification does involve us working with God’s empowering grace.[1]

Paul brings these two ideas into clear view when he says,

“…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Phil. 2:12b-13).

Do you see both truths there? He commands us to “work out [our] salvation.” Notice he doesn’t say “work for your salvation.” He basically says, “God saves you from the power of sin, now work out the implications of this freedom in your life.” You must work to put off sin and put on righteousness. But, this “working” is not a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” self-empowered change. Paul says the reason you work out your salvation is because “it is God who works in you.” He is working in us to incline our will to do the things which please Him. 

With that groundwork laid, it is time to think of specific areas where you may need to grow. We don’t fall into godliness. We must pursue it. And we don’t change in generalities; we change in specifics. What I mean is that we don’t change by saying, “I need to grow in Christ-likeness.” We change when we ask, “In what specific areas do I need to look more like Christ?” Then, we look to the Bible to see the character that is becoming of one who has new life in Christ.

To help you think specifically and biblically about areas of character to grow in, I suggest you start by holding up Titus 1:7-9 as a mirror to your life. Here Paul lays out the qualifications for elder. You may think, “But I’m not asking to be an elder, just a godly man.” Or you may be thinking, “I am a woman, how does this apply to me?” It applies because every Christian is called to live a life characterized by these virtues and absent of these vices.[2]

Let’s examine these qualifications for a moment. The main charge is to be above reproach. This is to live with a clear conscience before God and man. Paul fleshes this out with a list of five vices to put off and six virtues to put on so that you will be godly. Below, I have a chart showing the vices (and the opposite characteristic to put on) as well as a chart describing the virtues. I encourage you to look for specific areas where you can focus on growing. Remember, change won’t happen in the general. So get specific as to where you need to grow and what growth will look like.

Five Vices to Replace

Vice	Opposite	Application
Arrogance/Self-will- Pushy and seeking one's own will instead of God's and instead of looking out for the interests of others. It is also a pride that won’t receive criticism well.	A humble servant who looks out for the interest of others instead of using power for personal gain (Matt. 20:25-28). A proper view of self (a sinner) which enables you to receive criticism.	Do you often push for your own way? How are you looking out for the interests of others? How do you handle criticism?  Do you examine it humbly to see if it is true or does it go “in one ear and out the other?”
Quick-Tempered- Having a “short fuse,” or being easily angered.	Humility, gentleness, patience, love (Eph. 4:1-2)	Are you easily provoked to anger by people and situations? If you ask someone to do something and they don’t do it the way you want or they fail, how do you respond? With patience or in anger?
Drunkard- A person whose companion is wine (or any other substance that causes a person to not be clear-headed/sober-minded).	Being self-controlled and filled with the Spirit (Eph. 4:18).	Are you free not to drink? Do you drink to the point of not being clear-headed? Do you see alcohol as a means of escaping life’s problems?
Violent- Abusiveness, meanness, or fighting to get one’s own way or to suppress opposition. Riding rough-shod over others or bullying them with physical violence or with your words.	Gentleness (1 Tim 3:3) and being a peacemaker (Rom. 12:18).	Do you like brawling to get your way (physically or striking with your words)? Are you argumentative or quick to attack those who get in your way or express a different opinion? Or, do you seek peace in situations?
Greedy for Gain- Seeking financial or material gain without integrity.  Loving money and material things. Unsatisfied with what you have.	Contentment (1 Tim. 6:6), seeking God’s Kingdom and His righteousness above all (Matt. 6). Being a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7).	Are you content financially and materially? Or do you constantly seek happiness in having newer and nicer things (phones, clothes, etc.)?

Six Virtues to Put on

Virtue	Application
Hospitable- One who gives practical help to new comers.	Are you welcoming new people at church instead of just talking to your group of friends? Do you try to meet the needs of other Christians that you do not know that well? Or are you quick to make excuses and slow to inconvenience yourself for others?
Loving what is good- Loves what is good as opposed to sinful, worthless, and not God-glorifying.	Our close friendships should be with those who love good things. The ultimate “good” is Christ. So you should love those who love Christ. Do the TV shows you watch make light of that which is evil according to God?  The problem is not that you would go do the things you see, but that you are mentally delighting in what is not good.
Sensible- Being wise and thoughtful. Not being driven by emotion, but cool-headed.	Are you controlled in your thinking, not given to a lack of control and being “feelings” driven?
Upright- Living righteously and justly.	Do you seek to practice righteousness in your everyday life? Do you want to be just in your dealings with others?
Holy/Devout- Living a life that is pleasing to God.	Do you regularly confess and repent of your sin before the Lord (even if others don’t know about it)? Do you seek to find out what pleases the Lord from His Word? Do you seek to do what is pleasing to the Lord?
Disciplined/ Self-controlled- Having one’s desires in check and under control.	Are you ruled by your desires for money, sleep (laziness), food (overeating), and/or material things? Do you lack control with your use of time (wasting much time on TV or the Internet) or money? Or do you rule over your desires so that you might be focused on pursuing the one prize- namely, Jesus (1 Cor. 9:24-27)?

Have you found a few areas to grow in? Please, do not move on without taking some time for honest, humble self-evaluation.

This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles. 

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[1] Justification, on the other hand, is a work which we do not cooperate in. It is wholly of God. See Ephesians 1:11 and Romans 8:29-30.

[2] All of them, with the exception of “able to teach,” are found either directly or indirectly in other passages as characteristics for all Christians to exhibit.

Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.