Now, granted that sex is sinful for those who are not
married, how should our level of physical intimacy look prior to marriage? Is
it OK to become more physically involved as our dating relationship progresses (as
long as we avoid “going all the way)?” Is our physical intimacy proportionate
to our level of commitment, finally reaching intercourse once we make the
ultimate level of commitment?
I would argue that, given what we have said about the design
and purpose of sex, the answer to those questions is a resounding “No!” I say
this for several reasons.
First, physical intimacy is designed to lead towards sex.
This is why a married couple calls things like passionate kissing “foreplay.”
It is the on-ramp to the highway of intercourse. On-ramps are not designed for U-turns.
They lead in one direction and are intended for acceleration.
Second, since sex is reserved for marriage, and since the
Bible commands us to treat each other as sisters and brothers prior to
marriage, physical intimacy levels do not increase as we move towards marriage.
Instead, it stays at the level of brother and sister until after the covenant
of marriage is enacted. At that point the sign of the covenant is joyfully
expressed. This may seem a little abstract, so let me help with two graphs from
an illustration by Michael Lawrence.[1]
In the first graph, we see the common perspective that
intimacy increases as level of commitment increases. In the second, we see the
biblical perspective. In this view, you treat one another as siblings until the
marriage covenant, which testifies to the gospel of Jesus Christ, is enacted.
So, on a practical level, what type of physical interactions
are appropriate? A good principle is to ask, “Is this something I would do with
my flesh and blood brother or sister?” If the answer is “No,” then neither
should you be doing it with one whom the Bible says is your brother or sister.
That is why Paul says to treat women who you are not married to as mothers or
sisters with absolute purity (1 Tim. 5:2).
Does this sound radical? I think it might, but not because
it is untrue and incorrect. I think the reason it sounds radical is that we
live in a culture which seems to deify relationships and sexuality. As
Christians, we may see through many of the lies, but I wonder if we have been swayed
more in this area by the world than by the Bible.
So, we must not commit fornication or engage in increasing
levels of physical intimacy as our dating relationships progress, but that is
not all the Bible says about sexual purity. We must also avoid the impurity of looking lustfully at others. Jesus said
that this is the same as committing adultery because God sees not just our
actions but our heart (Matt. 5:28). Holiness, then, requires purity in action and thought. And this extends to what we
watch on TV, what we look at on the computer, what we read, and what we think.[2] As Romans 13:14 says, we are to “put on the
Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision
for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”
Does your view of sexuality line up with God’s purposes for
it? Or are you tempted to believe the lies of the world? Will you trust the
goodness of God and His design or will you trust the yearnings of your
appetites (i.e., “it feels good so it must be right”)?
Conclusion
Brothers and sisters, beware that you do not imbibe the world’s philosophies (Jer. 2:13). You are strangers in a foreign land. You are citizens of heaven, and the ways of the world should often times look just as strange as the cultural differences you might experience when you visit another country. We ought to think carefully about what Christian love looks like in all of our relationships and see where worldly or selfish thinking has crept in. As citizens of God’s Kingdom we must be those who put God’s holiness and love on display.
I realize that some reading this may be filled with regret.
Perhaps you have failed to live up to God’s standards of holiness in your past
or current relationship. Remember that God’s grace does not ask you to undo the
past. God’s grace calls you to rest fully in the righteous record of Jesus for
you. It also changes you and enables you to be shaped progressively into the
image of your righteous Christ (Titus 3:3-8).
This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles.
[1]
This is from a talk that Mark Dever, Michael Lawrence, Scott Croft, and Matt
Schmucker gave at a Desiring God conference. The talk was entitled, “Sex and
the Single Man” and is available at www.desiringgod.org.
[2]
If you struggle with sexual temptation (including pornography or masturbation),
I recommend reading Josh Harris’ book Sex
is Not the Problem (Lust is).
Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.
Very helpful! Thank you.
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