For the introduction to this series on temptations faced by singles click here.
How does the world’s thinking about
relationships differ from the biblical view? The worldly thinking we encounter
in the United States is that relationships are some sort of game. It is common
to single out someone of the opposite sex for an intimate friendship or dating
relationship with no thought of marriage. Dating is simply a way to have fun
and enjoy the companionship of a member of the opposite sex.
This, however, does not fit with
the biblical picture. For starters, how does this model Christian love? Christ
came to serve, not to be served. The “just have fun” model of dating is not focused
on serving one another. It is, instead, enjoying the benefits of relationship
with no desire to move towards the formal commitment of marriage.
“Formal commitment!? That seems to
stifle love,” you say. However, I would argue that it is the context in which
true love flourishes and is enjoyed. Look at God’s love towards us. He doesn’t
just “go with the flow.” He intentionally pursues us. He makes a covenant, a
formal promise, to have us as His people. And in this context we can bask in His
love and have no reason to think He will abandon us. If we are to reflect God
instead of the world, such a formal commitment must be the aim and goal of any
dating relationship.
Additionally, spending regular
one-on-one time with a member of the opposite sex (whether you call it dating
or not) is not loving.[1]
For one thing, one or both of you probably hope that this relationship is
heading somewhere beyond friendship. This is probably the case even if you both
verbalize a desire to “just be friends.”
Even if it were true that you both
really only wanted to be close
friends it is not loving, because, to put it crassly, it takes the other person
“off the market.” What I mean is that it keeps other potential men from
pursuing her and causes other potential women to assume he is not interested in
them. It appears to outsiders that you are an “item,” so no one else makes a
move and everyone is confused. Even if you tell people that you and your friend
are not an item, you must wonder if a prospective date would be interested in
being with you while you are closely relating to another member of the opposite
sex. I am sure my wife would not be happy if I did that, and I think the same
would go for those who are pursuing marriage. It seems like a double standard
to argue otherwise.
You may argue, “But I have
Christian freedom since no Bible verse prohibits this type of recreational
dating.” I would say that the biblical principles of love do oppose such
relationships. Paul said in Galatians 3:3-4,
For you were called to freedom,
brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through
love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You
shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
If what I have said is true, then
you must honestly ask yourself if your intimate friendships with members of the
opposite sex are actually a loving service to one another.
Let me be clear. I am not saying
that you cannot be friends and show Christian love to members of the opposite
sex. I am saying that you cannot be close,
intimate friends with a member of the opposite sex without being either
foolish or selfish.[2]
If you desire such
companionship, then pursue the security of a marriage covenant to enjoy such
intimacy. If you do not desire marriage, then develop friendships with members
of the same sex who can hold you accountable and encourage you in your walk
with the Lord. Then, find ways to serve members of the opposite sex that do not
single them out unnecessarily. Spend
time in groups studying the Bible, praying, serving, and having wholesome fun.
This is part of the series God, Singleness, and Marriage: How the Bible Gives Purpose and Direction to Singles.
[1]
Some may
justify it by the fact that the other person wants this type of relationship
too. However, this is not the litmus test for what type of behavior is becoming
for a citizen of heaven. Rather, the true test of love is found in what God says
Christian love looks like.
[2]
To clarify, by “close, intimate friend,” I mean someone who spend a lot of
one-on-one time with, share your deepest feelings and thoughts and desires
with, etc.
Copyright Ben Khazraee. You may share this article with others, but please direct them to this blog rather than posting the text to your own website, blog, etc. You may share printed copies with friends as long as you do not charge more than the cost of producing the copies.
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