Pursuing Marriage: How do the biblical principles get lived out?

Below is the outline we covered at our last Bible study.  We were attempting to give a vision for how the 9 principles of a godly dating relationship we looked at in the previous weeks might get fleshed out.

I.                   Before you are ready to date. 

a.       Evaluate yourself spiritually

b.      Develop godly character and search scripture to know what type of guy/gal you are to look for.  

c.       Resolve not to date unbeliever/conversion suspect guy/gal. 

d.      Resolve to ask “how holy can I be” and not “how close to sexual sin can I get.”

e.       Ask yourself, “When will I be ready to get married?”

II.                Meeting a potential mate: “Hello there…”

a.       You goal at this point is developing godly friendships with other people in general.

b.      Where should you look to develop these friendships? Seek to meet people in natural settings (church, school, work) and in groups.

c.       Don’t single out a guy/gal and think you can be “just friends” or have a close one on one friendship.

d.      Be content in this stage, don’t just fall for anyone.

e.       Be serving God and working/studying faithfully (i.e. tend to your responsibilities).

III.             Infatuation: “I like you…”

a.       This is the butterflies in the stomach, infatuation stage.

                                                              i.      Be careful not to be feeling/emotion driven here. 

                                                            ii.      Butterflies are good, but not necessarily a sign from God.

b.      Use your mind, not just emotions, to evaluate your attraction to this person. 

                                                              i.      What qualities attract you to them?

                                                            ii.      Is it what the Bible says should attract you? 

c.       What should I do if I like this person?

                                                              i.      Guys take initiative and risk rejection. This fits the role distinctions in Eph. 5:21-ff. 

                                                            ii.      Women, don’t be afraid to ask him to clarify if he is sending mixed messages, but don’t use this to disguise you taking initiative or trying to force him to make a move (i.e. manipulating).

d.      When are you ready to go to next step (dating)? 

                                                              i.      When will you be in position to get married?  This will determine how fast you should move in the relationship (do not awaken love too early, Song of Songs 2:7).  Are you in a place to get married sooner rather than later?

                                                            ii.      It is not wise to date for an extended time because as you grow closer and deeper in affection, the physical desires become stronger (this is God’s good design for marriage, but outside of marriage it can be very dangerous).

IV.             Dating: “I’d like to get to know you better.”

a.       This is where you have asked her out, she said, “Yes.”  The goal at this stage is to begin getting to know each other better to see if this is the person for you to marry.

b.      So how much time and what kind of time should couples spend together?

                                                              i.      Continue spending the majority of your time in groups and don’t try to get to know every intimate detail of this person’s life really quickly.  You are just beginning to get to know each other.

                                                            ii.      Spending too much one-on-one time promotes a high level of intimacy (a level higher than the current level of commitment in the relationship).

c.       Don’t be cut off from accountability and other friendships.

d.      Asses if the relationship is spurring you on to godliness or feeding selfishness.

e.       Purity issues: It is God’s will that you avoid all sexual immorality (not just sex).

                                                              i.      1 Tim. 5:1-2 treat him or her as your bro/sis in Christ first, with ABSOLUTE purity.

                                                            ii.      1 Thess 4:3-8 (See v. 6, don’t wrong or defraud, exploit, cheat each other).

                                                          iii.      Intimacy should not proceed commitment (as it often does in modern dating).

                                                          iv.      Rom 13:13-14- make no provision for flesh.  Plan for purity.

V.                Engagement: “I want to marry you.”

a.       Here we are going from dating to “I want to marry you.”

b.      Should I pop the question?  If so, when should I pop the question?  Ask yourself:

                                                              i.      Do we have/can we have functional independence (how close to being able to marry are you?)

                                                            ii.      Are we mature enough (ready for the responsibilities of marriage, not just the privileges)?

                                                          iii.      Read through the article: “Should we Get Married?: Five ‘Pre-engagement’ Questions to Ask Yourselves” by John Yenchko and David Powlison.

c.       I think I want to marry him/her, but I don’t want to settle (i.e. there may be a better person)

                                                              i.      This notion of “settling” is misguided for at least 3 reasons

1.      The notion of “settling” is one of selfishness.  Instead of loving and serving another person it is about my dreams, my desires, my list of what I want.

2.      Everybody settles (all there are out there are sinners).

3.      Nobody settles (you aren’t perfect).

                                                            ii.      God calls you to be responsible, seek to apply biblical wisdom, and then make a move.  You don’t need a sign from heaven.

d.      Should I ask her parents?  Do my parents have to say it’s ‘ok’?  Honor vs. Obey (Eph 5:1-2).

e.       Once you are engaged, spend more time preparing for marriage (i.e. premarital training, growth in godliness, reading, prayer) than planning the ceremony and honeymoon.  Talk to your pastor about getting pre-marital training.

f.       Remember- you are still NOT MARRIED.  Purity is still God’s will for you (just as it is in marriage).  I would recommend a shorter engagement (about 6 months).